Kelly M. Roberts, MS, LMFT - Clinical Instructor, Oklahoma State University
Friends, colleagues and sometimes people I don’t even know very well ask me this same question several times each year, AND I provide them with a baffled face and stammering answer every single time: “Hey, what book do you recommend for __(enter any couples issue)__ ? I’m thinking about buying a few books today.” OR …“I have a friend who is looking for a book.” OR,… “I want to recommend a book, can you help me?”
I struggle with two main issues when asked this question. First, I have no idea what the person or couple has already read. And secondly, people apply books and personal growth in such unique ways that sometimes what I think is a great read or extremely applicable might fall flat with another person. Or sometimes that flips and what I think isn’t necessarily sound or grounded information is the “key” to helping someone get out of a rut.
Therefore, understanding that you may have already read some (or all) of these books, and, that you may not get out of them what I or some of my clients have gotten, I’ve put together a list of the top five challengesI see couples face on a regular basis and books that might help in direct or indirect ways. However, I’ve also provided a bit of discussion to go along with the books so I’ll be breaking this post into two or three parts. Here we go…
To begin, I want to address the core “top three” basic challenges most couples will experience at some time in their life: opposing views on parenting, financial struggles, and sex/intimacy. In that order:
On my 7th or 8th birthday, a sweet little girl named Amy giggled with excitement as my mom announced that it was time for the birthday girl to open gifts. Everyone gathered, tired from what seemed like hours of pony rides across my dad’s farm land, but Amy eagerly planted herself at the front of the pack and requested that I open her gift first. What I wouldn’t know until later was that she had already told my mother all about the gift, and my mother’s anxiety was growing by the second. You see, I already had this particular Smurfs purse, which was carefully tucked away in my dresser at home. Although it was my favorite new treasure, my mom was anticipating a less than stellar reaction to receiving a duplicate. This feeling was tempered only by her hope that I would pull through the awkward moment with a gracious response.
Just for fun, let’s turn this into a multiple choice question. How do you think I responded?
a.) I smiled, thanked Amy for such a thoughtful gift and later discussed exchange options with my mom.
b.) I congratulated Amy on her great taste since I had recently picked out the very same purse.
c.) I absently said, “I already have this” and moved on to the next gift unaware that my friend, deflated, had moved to the back of the pack.
This relatively innocuous statement actually has the power to evoke pride, guilt, judgment and even jealousy depending upon who’s in the conversation and their bias about what’s “right” for children, and society. But what’s right for the moms?
Of all discussion topics, working vs. staying home gets the most play among my group of friends. Some of us have full-time jobs and some have forgone a career to raise children. Some need two incomes to get by, while others simply can’t imagine life without a career. Some who stay home have realized that working is actually more expensive than not, given the high cost of childcare. Regardless of the situation and our level of satisfaction with it, we all agree that there is no single “right” answer, as we are all faced with a different set of circumstances that impact our decisions on the issue. However, no matter how satisfied we are with those decisions, we sometimes find ourselves peering over the fence to see if the grass truly is a deeper shade of green.
Even moms who count their blessings about being able to stay home with their children sometimes long for the adult conversations they remember having when they were working. As one friend says, “When you start to discuss your problems with a toddler-sized plush SpongeBob doll, you know you need some time with grown-ups!” I’ve had moms admire my shoes and comment longingly that they could never justify the purchase given the few places they would have to wear something so dressy. Others feel they have no break from their children – as precious as they are – and battle conflicting expectations when their husband arrives home from his own long day at the office. But these may very well be good tradeoffs for the ability to share all of life’s important and teachable moments.
On the flip side, working moms are often overwhelmed with guilt about the time they spend away from their kids. I’ve always been career-minded and relatively confident in my ability to have it all in life. But, even though I often don a super hero cape, I also have some pretty powerful kryptonite. Looking down at those little people in my life makes everything go just a bit hazy.
At work, I find myself drawn to various pictures of my smiling kids. I wonder if they’ve had a healthy lunch, whether they’re watching Nickelodeon or the Disney Channel, if Nolan’s had a good “pee pee in the potty” day, and whether Bailey’s loose tooth is still hanging on by a thread. I feel anxious. I guiltily remind my mother-in-law about the soccer practice that begins before I’m even supposed to clock out for the day. And I miss them.
All that would be fine if the culmination of my day wasn’t hearing Nolan burst into tears and state emphatically that he doesn’t want to leave grandma’s house with me. Bailey sends her own message by ignoring me altogether. In these moments, when I’m kidnapping my own children from their grandparents’ house, I feel unsettled, disconnected, and a little like I’m watching my life go by from behind a pane of glass rather than out living it. I’m jealous…jealous of my friends who don’t HAVE to work and surely aren’t subject to the sadness I feel at this repeat, albeit momentary, rejection. I’m jealous that they get all day to reinforce bonds, while I’m trying to force that into the 60 minutes between dance class and bedtime.
These are the moments when the fantasies of quitting my job and becoming an at-home mom take over. I imagine myself going on all kinds of daily adventures – to the zoo, the park, and museums – while organizing play dates, catching up on scrapbooks, teaching the kids a foreign language, and sewing their winter wardrobe. We won’t go into the holes in my fantasy, but let’s just say the likelihood of me actually doing all these things is iffy at best and I stopped just short of adding to the list “make my own soap.” Hey, it’s my fantasy and I’m sticking to it.
...and I stopped just short of adding to the list “make my own soap.” - Click photo for Making Soap article.
But it’s not all bad. In fact, when I stop to remember that life isn’t all about me (what??), there are some really great benefits to my kids of being a working mom.
First and foremost, they have an amazing relationship with their grandparents that they likely wouldn’t have if I stayed home. Having more than just mom and dad to teach, reinforce, and love is an incredible blessing. In rational moments, I’m glad to endure some hard mommy moments in exchange for the wealth of experiences and memories made with their grandparents.
As much as I enjoy the work I do, my kids are really proud of me, too. When we’re having our “what happened today” conversations, I get to tell Bailey about all the babies and children who have the benefit of two loving parents in their lives because of the work my company does. The pride she feels and the fact that I’m modeling for her what I preach – that she can do anything and be anything – is enough to give guilt a high-heeled kick in the pants!
So, do these benefits outweigh the disadvantages? I honestly don’t know the answer to that question, nor would my answer be the same tomorrow as it is today. What I DO know is that I have two great kids who will never want for love, guidance, or the discipline and boundaries they need to grow into the kind of adults I want them to become. And that makes my heart happier than any amount of time with them could.
But, just in case I happen to win the lottery one day, I bookmarked some You Tube videos on making soap at home. I’m just sayin’….
Thank you for all the positive feedback on my first post. Here we go again, folks!
“ME DO IT MYSELF, MOMMA!”
"Me do it myself, momma..." Even as a baby, Nolan loved to try and brush his own teeth!
I hear this statement from my 2 year old multiple times every day. Whatever the activity – wrestling with his shoes as we’re hurrying out the door, opening a carton of applesauce at dinner, or brushing his pearly whites before bed – it’s the same old song and dance.When I’m in a hurry and desperately trying to meet whatever deadline is looming, I am frustrated by the seemingly silly process of letting him attempt a task that I know good and well will end in tears of frustration. Why doesn’t he just let me help?
Even though this independence comes with the toddler territory, I’m just as guilty of possessing the “Me do it myself!” mentality. I don’t need anyone’s help because I can handle it. In fact, I will reject every offer of help – politely, of course – even if I truly desire the support. An example:
Some really thoughtful person says, “I’ll watch the kids if you guys wanna go to a movie sometime.”
I think, Awesome, we sooooo need it! When are you free? There’s a movie I’ve been dying to see that’s playing this weekend. Oh, and maybe we could even grab a bite to eat beforehand!
But I actually say, “Oh, that’s so sweet. We’re usually so busy during the week that we just like to do stuff around the house on weekends. Plus, ya know, we have Netflix. Soooo, how’s that project you’ve been working on?”
And, scene.
In contrast to my own actions, I know quite a bit about the importance of establishing a personal community to support someone during both good and bad times. Further, we’ve all heard that African proverb about how it takes a village to raise a child.
To my knowledge, there’s no proverb that warns against accepting an outstretched hand or advises braving the journey alone at all costs. If assistance from others is a necessary piece of life’s puzzle, why is it so difficult to accept goodwill? This is an especially intriguing question when compared to how easily most of us reach out to others when we know THEY need something we can easily provide. So, why the paradox?
Maybe receiving assistance is perceived as weakness. Perhaps we worry that the offer is not genuine and acceptance will be met with awkwardness or hardship. Or maybe we are simply unsure how to adequately show our appreciation, so avoidance seems far easier. I don’t know about you, but I claim all of the above.
I recently heard someone equate acts of service to gifts received at a birthday party. A gift is a gift, regardless of its form. And, it is almost always given with love and careful thought behind it.
When the package is opened, the only acceptable response is “thank you.” The recipient wouldn’t return the present with an eloquent speech about not needing the item for this reason or that, so how is it any better to decline the gift of support when it is offered with the very same sentiment? This way of viewing the issue makes me feel badly about all those times I’ve said no to others. In reality, I deprived them of an important opportunity to share something meaningful with me. In fact, they probably thought the very same thing I do when my son displays his stubbornness…..why won’t she just let me help, for goodness sake?
So, I know what I have to do. I have to start saying YES.
Need help with the kids? YES! Can I carry that box for you? Sure!
Will you join me? Just Say Yes. Actually, it feels kind of good.
Mrs. Reagan, I do believe there’s a new motto in town.
Thanks, Nolan, for helping me learn not to act like a toddler...Just Say Yes!
Hello, RDC community! Before I jump into this post, let me introduce myself. My name is Kendy Cox and I’ve been asked to blog about various women’s issues. I have vast expertise in this content area because, well, I’m a woman! Regardless, what I write is simply my humble opinion and I want to encourage the sharing of numerous perspectives.
My full-time gig consists of serving the couples and individuals of this state through the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative. More specifically, I work for Public Strategies, a private project management firm which coordinates statewide services through a contract with the Oklahoma Department of Human Services. My other full-time gig consists of being a wife to a wonderful husband and taking care of two lovely kids (the adjectives change depending upon the day…smile!). I’m looking forward to musing about the issues on my mind and in my heart, as well as reading your feedback.
So, here we go…
I’ll never forget the day I happened upon this quote on a friend’s Facebook page: “A Spotless House Is a Sign of a Wasted Life.”
I felt validated for the first time in my adult life.
The reason this pithy statement stuck with me is because I discovered it at a time when I was really struggling to keep everything in life “just so.” Like many of you, most days are spent working hard at my job, serving as chauffeur to numerous kid-related activities, attempting to fit in a reasonably healthy dinner for the family, overseeing homework tasks, bathing kids and getting clothes ready for the next day, and hoping beyond hope that I find time to exercise and/or communicate with my husband about more than who’s picking up whom and at what time. As an aside, I do this with the help of my attentive and helpful husband, so I tip my hat to those of you doing this solo! With all of this activity, I end most days in a state of sheer exhaustion and many times feeling incredibly disappointed by the general disarray of my home.
You know what disarray looks like, right? Remnants from dinner still on the table, clothes and backpacks strewn across the living room floor, and maybe even two weeks’ worth of laundry waiting to be folded and put away. While keeping up with the house may not be your particular issue of concern, I know I’m not alone as I’ve talked with far too many women who tie their self worth to their ability to do EVERYTHING. And not just everything, but everything well, they keep the house nice and tidy and even add some wool vintage rugs so the house look even better.
Now, I’m not striving for a feature spread in Good Housekeeping, but most days I would be lucky to attract the attention of So So Housekeeping. My anxiety about it is ever present and my own negative self talk is brutal. But let’s think rationally for a moment. How absurd is it for any of us to fool ourselves into believing that a spotless home is a more powerful reflection of our worth than any of the other amazing things we do every day? Let’s think about the activities that dirty up the house in the first place….cooking a great meal, building a fort with our kids, or sorting through weeks of newspapers to find that 20% off coupon we need to buy a pregnant friend a much-needed registry item. Yes, the result may be messy blankets, newspapers, or dishes, but those are the remnants of a life lived, memories made, and relationships nurtured to their fullest.
So, the next time you look around at a less than perfect home, try to go easy on yourself. Trust me, I’m working on it right along with you. Let’s remember that we work hard for our families in many different ways and our work cannot always be balanced equally. Something’s gotta give, and the laundry will be there tomorrow…just don’t trip over it on your way out the door to do something amazing!
Showcasing Red Dirt culture ~ authored and managed by contributors with connections to the great state of Oklahoma.
