Tag Archives: marriage education

Travel

Forty Days in the UK (Day 1-3): Lifelong Okie Takes on Oxford

Day 1 – Wrestlers Rule, Kelly Drooled, and “Rosie” was Riveting

Mick and the girls dropped me off at the airport two hours before my flight departed.  It was a treat to have my original family all together, and fun to listen to the girls and their sister banter – same style, yet tempered, smarter and more endeared toward the other. I just really love them.

Once they dropped me off, I checked in quickly and then sat and waited on the plane to arrive for one hour and forty-five minutes. [crickets chirping].

The desk attendant pleaded for one solid hour for people with “flexible travel plans” to accept a later flight to Chicago, a free dinner and a $200.00 voucher.  Then she raised it to $250.  Then she raised to $300. The $200 takers were frowning at that point.

I boarded the smallest jet American Airlines makes along with 20 other wrestlers from a university in New Jersey who had just been to a match in Oklahoma.  They looked like babies, and as I glanced down the aisle of the tiny jet I saw ear after ear cauliflowered into unique shapes, worn like trophies among the greater wrestling community.  The group of wrestlers changed the entire temperament of the flight – it was “young,” joking and good-natured.  One of them was having a birthday and when the flight attendant announced it, the entire passenger group clapped for him.  He beamed.  He had red hair, a ruddy complexion and a million freckles just on his exposed arms and cheeks.  The flight to Chicago was over in the blink of an eye.

My “better than fiction” moment…..And speaking of “red”:  As I was standing in line to board the flight to London I saw a girl in front of me reading a book.  The jacket cover had a stylized font that I thought read something about Stratford-shire-something…very curly writing.  Then I finally figured out –  it read “Scarlet Passion.”  She was reading a romance novel.  I looked at her again and noticed she had red hair.  I laughed because I wondered if she liked red things and was drawn to that particular title.  Then I noticed she was wearing a red shirt.  THEN I noticed she was wearing red shoes and that she was clutching a passport with a wine-colored cover.  Everyone else I observed had the standard navy blue cover on their passport.

I christened the girl “Rosie” and wished her well.  Oh, and she was wearing glasses with pinkish-red frames.  Rose-colored glasses for a girl who clearly saw the world through them. In red.

Really.  See covert shot of “Rosie” in pic…don’t you just love cell-phone candids?

The only other note-worthy moment for day one was the fact that I bought a new release by Vince Flynn (A Mitch Rapp series) entitled “Executive Power” – a political thriller with a CIA operative-made-good as the hero.  I was so tired from preparing for the trip that while the proverbial crickets were chirping in the OKC airport, I laid down on the floor and took a 15 minute nap.  I jerked awake and noticed I had drooled on the “W” of the title.  No offense, former president, for that little faux pas.

Day 2 – Debarkation, Disorientation and Diesel-Snorting

A couple of weeks ago my friends and I watched the recent “Sex and the City (SATC)” movie while in Bricktown.  My personal rating for the movie is 1 out of 5 stars.  There were three good things about the movie that I can appreciate – the fashion, the honest and open support system (with fairly decent accountability messages to each other) among the ladies and a quote that I completely discounted…and now completely embrace.  The basic premise of the movie is that Samantha gets invited to the United Arab Emerits because of her business PR savvy, and gets sent home because she can’t respect the cultural guidelines for women.  When fleeing the country in order to avoid paying for the over-the-top lifestyle they were granted by their host, Samantha said something that I hard-core judged.  She screamed, “Girls – we HAVE to leave now!  If we DON’T, we’ll have to FLY CCOOOAACHHH!!”  That lit a fire under their NYC, Dolce & Gabbana clad backsides.

In my head I thought: “That’s it.  This movie was ridiculous in terms of money, self-indulgence and extravagance and that quote just put a lid on it for me.”

And then I flew to London from Chicago, had the best seat “coach” had to offer, and never slept a wink.  I wish I had a stop motion movie of how many ways 300 people try to sleep beside a stranger in an upright position within a constrained space.  I never thought I would be able to articulate a redeeming quality about Samantha’s character on SATC, but she was right.  About four hours into the flight I got up, walked up and down the aisles, stretched and peeked in on the first class group sleeping peacefully in their fully reclined chairs.  And I whispered a little message to Samantha: “You’re right.  I’m sorry.  And, I feel the pain you wanted to avoid.  I’m a little torn about it, but not a lot.  I get it.”

The Brits must be keenly aware of this challenge for travelers because at debarkation the airline employee was sympathetic.  All I did was say, “Well, I’m a bit tired but I’ll catch up soon enough.”  She responded with, “Oh you poor dear.  That jet lag is a bit of a bear, right?”  Her kind and empathic response was genuinely delivered – and genuinely received.  Thank you, debarkation attendant, for being so kind.

The ride from the airport was interesting.  I noticed lots and lots of lovely Tudor architecture and also noticed that most of it, with occasional exceptions, was black-smoke tinged.  The diesel smell wafts rampantly over every block and area I’ve visited.  In the US, I only smell this scent when I’m around buses or farm trucks – but it’s the rule, not the exception here.  It’s a shift that I’m adjusting to, but I noticed that the smell was so strong at times it pulled my attention from my travels.  Bad diesel smell – you give my attention back to me…right now!

The cars, however, are an absolute treat to observe.  I want to take them all home. They are the silver lining of the scent-sation of which I complain.  Oh, if only European auto maintenance weren’t so darn expensive!

I suppose the final wrap up for Day 2 would simply come with this message:  I’m confused.  I’m confused about “the Underground – or, The Tube,” I’m confused about the maps, I’m confused about the money and I’m confused about the three-dimensional different place in which I am residing now as opposed to two days prior.  I’ll get over it – but right now my brain is scrambled.

I thought I’d leave you with some pictures and a video to finish out.  The first is my hotel (Nh Harrington Hall) in the Gloucester Road, S.W. 7 region.  Next are shots from the grocery store – they sell fresh red currants here, and their pineapple is white.  And finally, my first meal in London.  It’s a video.  The food was lovely, the writing in the menu was mostly Arabic and I was so hungry I guess I decided it was “video-worthy?” (Late note – I’m having a horrible time with internet connections here.  The hotel connection is still not working, and I can’t seem to upload video.  Therefore…I’ll leave you with a picture of three really funny blue-collar blokes who seemed to have a penchant for bologna sandwiches and bananas.  I can’t really share their jokes here – way too PG-13, but I can share their photo…on lunch break, amid noise and construction and people stepping over them as they ate).

Cheerio.

Day 3 – Unagi intern moment, teaching & learning + EURO STYLE!

I’ve served as the internship coordinator for our Child & Family Services undergrads at OSU for six years.  A “no compromise” issue is that they must have internet access where they serve their pre-professional experience because they also participate in an online class.  Invariably, the internationally placed interns run into problems.  Do I always say, “Make sure – we’ve had internet issues in the past!”  Yes.  Do they always respond, “I did! Everything is A-OK!”  Yes.  You can see where I’m going with this, right?

One, two or three weeks down the road I’m usually getting a phone call from their parent – or a desperate plea for an expensive cell phone call appointment because their internet connection is: 1) 20 miles from where they thought it was; 2) spotty or intermittent service and it won’t stay connected long enough to submit their assignments; or, 3) utilized around the clock by others higher up on the food chain and they aren’t allowed the access previously granted.  Again, I’m sure you see where this is headed…

I’ve been in my hotel over 48 hours and their service is still on the fritz.  My PAYMENT went through, somehow, but the connection won’t hold.  There is an internet café’ down the road, but the service was down.  It is now working again, but for how long?

So,  in case any of them read this today, just know – my dear students – that I empathize greatly with your iternat’l brouhahas.  They’re not fun. And if you are a “Friends” fan, just know that today I experienced “Unagi (total awareness)” with you.

And finally, for something entirely different – I just want to say a word about the European fixtures and décor.  I’m loving the fact that I get to open doors with sleek, architectural style handles – flush the toilet with interesting shaped handles, flip light switches DOWN to turn them on and look RIGHT to cross the street, and …I could go on and on.

Everything fixture-y and sign-y is different here and it’s fun! My favorite of the day was a glass that was a perfect circle on the top, and an oval on the base.  It was so cool to hold and to drink out of – really weighted on the bottom.  I’ve included a picture of the glass, (front and side view – see below), and a picture of a door handle (to the right).

I’m up late because I’m prepping for my trip to Bristol tomorrow…it will be my first train ride, and Bristol is so close to Bath I’m hoping to have the energy to go over there for a bit before I head back for my last night in London. AHHH – I almost forgot to tell you! Today I saw a gate and a garden JUST like the scene in “Notting Hill” where they have the Woopsie Daisies back-and-forth.  I SO wanted to climb over that fence!

Woopsie Daisies to you! 😀

Relationships

Nemo, Normandy and the mind-NUMBING Magical Power of the Sistah + Bro-hood Wedding Planners

My clinical supervisor once gave me some advice that plays over in my thoughts from time to time.  She said, “You don’t really have to guess at what people are thinking.  Usually, whatever comes out of their mouth is what is at the top of their mind.  And context?  Wherever they live and whatever they’re surrounded by are clear determining factors of what they’ll be bringing with them into the therapy office.”

I was thinking about this message last week because I was wondering why weddings have been occupying so much of my thinking lately.  I didn’t have to wonder too long, however, because my supervisor was right.  I’ve been attending weddings because it’s the summer “wedding season” of 2010 and I work at a university populated with students.  These students are generally of the age to begin wedding hopes, dreams and plans…and also host or attend wedding ceremonies. Finally, my children are 18 and 23, which means THEIR friends are also thinking about and participating in weddings.

I’m immersed.  Immersed in “dreamy-hopeful-lovey-cool-fun-startingoutonournewjourney” land. The upside of this immersion is having the chance to observe magical moments at each and every ceremony.  This particular story is about magic.  The magical power of a network of friends – focused, purposed and amazing.

And speaking of being immersed…I’ll begin the story by considering Nemo.  “Finding Nemo” was a Disney masterpiece chock-full of important life lessons.  The illustration I’d like to highlight is the “SWIM DOWN – KEEP SWIMMING!!” scene.  Do you remember it?  Nemo and Dory were almost home from Sidney when Dory was scooped up along with a massive school of fish into a fisherman’s net.

As the net began an upward ascent, pulled by a hydralic lift aboard the boat, the fish began to panic. That’s when the magic happened.  Nemo and his father began spreading the message to all the fish to swim downward.  It would only work if they ALL swam together.  Here’s a visually rough clip of the scene.  I get goosebumps when watching it.  Take a look….

Amazing things were accomplished when all the fish focused toward one goal.  And ONLY because they planned together (Nemo and his father agreed on the plan) and worked together.

Another example?  Amazing things were accomplished when hundreds of thousands coallition troops stormed the beaches of Normandy and paratrooped from the sky to turn the tide during WWII. And ONLY because they planned together and worked together.

And, amazing things were accomplished by a powerfully cohesive and supportive group of friends at Ryan and Elissa’s wedding in Stillwater, OK – Fall of 2008.  And ONLY because they planned together worked together.  Here’s what I witnessed when attending this wedding of my nephew Ryan and his lovely bride, Elissa:

I walked into the church before it began and was met with a visual of thirty or so college aged attendees greeting each other, opening the doors for guests arriving, suggesting to those just arriving that they sign the guest book, walking through the sanctuary of the church and meeting and greeting those seated.

What I immediately noticed was a warm and inviting environment that seemed to be completely manged by the bride and groom’s peers.  “Interesting,” I thought.  “They all seem invested in this process, and genuinely engaged in helping the guests feel welcome.”  I found my seat, said hello to my family and made my second observation:

The bride and groom’s friends were basically running the ceremony.  Although they had the traditional pastor-types leading the ceremony, the fingerprints of the wedding party were everywhere.  They sang and accompanied several songs, the groomsmen pulled out matching sunglasses on a particular cue, the bridesmaids walked as if they knew each other and didn’t miss a beat whenever the bride’s dress needed arranging or the flowers needed to be held. Hmm.

This group was synchronized like a well oiled support machine.  My next observation?

After the ceremony, the entire wedding party had exited to music played by their group. As I stood up to leave the sanctuary something caught my eye.  In a flash, the bridesmaids came back into the emptying auditorium and began to spread out.  They had a purpose but I didn’t yet understand what they were doing.  I watched with intrigue as they began to quickly pick up all the wedding flower decorations, speak with the groomsmen who were tearing down the musical equipment authoritatively, talk with each other about “who cleaned out the dressings rooms and did they do a final check on all the lights,” and other efficient and responsible dialogue.

What was UP with this group??  At other weddings I had witnessed planners and/or bride or groom relatives do this same kind of task.  But THIS was entirely the wedding party.  Before I could really process this modern-day “Elves and the Shoemaker” magic, the auditorium was spotless.  The work was DONE.  And…we all headed to the reception.  What did I find there?  I’m sure you can guess…

The groom’s friends DJ’d the party.  The bride’s friends escorted her outside when she got hot, and responded to the groom’s request of a drink for his bride.  The group danced with the groom’s grandfather, they danced together, and they danced with each other.  And, every time I turned around, one of them was talking to another guest – engaged in a genuine conversation and getting to know someone they had only met that night.

HERE IS A SHOT OF THE BRIDE AND HER MOTHER GETTING THEIR HAIR AND MAKEUP DONE BY TWO OF “THE GROUP.” ELISSA’S MOTHER HAS RHOMBERG’S DISEASE AND GETTING A MAKEOVER WAS A SPECIAL TREAT. ELISSA SHARED WITH ME THAT THIS WAS ONE OF HER FAVORITE SHOTS OF THE WEDDING…SHE AND HER MOM TOGETHER, GETTING READY WITH THE SUPPORT OF HER FRIENDS.

This group dynamic was the most powerful I’ve witnessed at a wedding of that age group (22-28ish).  Later I found out the bride’s friends did the photography for the wedding, did the hair and make-up for the bride and her mother, and did the flower decorations and arrangments for the church and reception.  When I asked the bride about the role of the “group” she said: “I truly do have a great group of friends that allowed us to have a magnificent wedding on a small budget. My hair, set-up of everything, photography and flower and decor arrangement was done by tons of our little helpers.”

So what is to be gained from learning about this group?  Are groups important?  Do they provide a social safety net for young couple stress and for setting norms about the institution of marriage itself?  The short answer is yes. What a culture or society “agrees to” is extremely influential regarding how people think and feel about a particular issue.  So the answers as to what can be gained are these validating life lessons, taught by group instruction:

When you need support, we’re here.
When you need diversity and creativity, we’re here.
We were beside you when you were married, so we’re in this together.
You’re worth our time and attention.
We believe in you, your marriage and your future.

When a group “blesses” a wedding, it’s a powerful thing.  I would say it’s magic.  And in this particular case, it was the mind-numbing magical power of the “sistah and bro-hood” wedding planners extraordinaire.

They were there when it started and I have a sneaking suspicion that when Elissa and Ryan celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they will already know who to call to plan their party.

Relationships

A Relational Foundation Constructed with Hard Work, Thought and 220,000+ “Floors”

This photo, retrieved from the OMI website, shows a couple using “The Floor” as a tool to assist them in their skills practice.  For more pictures or further information, visit:
http://www.okmarriage.org/


I worked as the Director of the Service Delivery System (SDS) for the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative (OMI) from 2002 through 2004.  This private/public partnership is managed by Public Strategies, Inc. (PSI) of Oklahoma City. Sometimes when I visit with the staff it still feels as if it’s only been a short time since I was there. And, I still joke that it feels like I put in three times that many years of productivity during my tenure with the program.


Kendy Cox, a member of their leadership team and Director of OMI Services, called me late last October with some good news to share.  The OMI was preparing to hold an impromptu celebration with their now burgeoning staff of over 100 as well as a few friends because they had reached a special milestone.  They were commemorating the delivery of their 200,000th marriage and/or relationship education (MRE) service. I was asked to stop in and discuss the earlier history of the OMI SDS as part of their event.  I had five minutes to summarize two years (times three!) and so I begin thinking back about how best to accomplish that mission.


Flash forward seven months.


I was cleaning out my e-mail box last week and came across the notes I sent myself that I had prepared for the staff meeting that day.  I “Facebooked” Kendy and asked where their current number of services delivered presently stood.  When she responded that they had added another 18-20,000 to that number since last fall and would most likely reach 30,000 by the end of their FY (end of June this year) I knew it was time to write a blog entry.  30,000 was the number I announced the OMI had reached right before I left…and it had taken, during the ramp up stage, 3.5 years to get there.  Now they were reaching that number in seven months.


So, with that as the context, I’m going to share with you what I discussed with the OMI staff in an updated version.  A note of warning –  I get emotional talking about this so if my writing is prone to hyperbole toward the end…well, I’m warning you now.  Researchers have feelings too.  Here we go:


When I began at PSI, there were eleven women and one male college student who was interning with us for a few months.  The OMI program had been up and running for 18 months and had trained 450 workshop leaders, but we only had data collected for 83 workshops that showed we had served 1184 citizens.  This was problematic because at least 375 of those workshop leaders had signed a contract to deliver four workshops over a twelve month period.
We then began large, in-depth qualitative interviewing project that kept us working nights and weekends for six weeks. We hired twelve college students to help us complete the project.  This resulted in data showing that in actuality, almost 10,000 people had been served. Many lessons were learned though that project that are still program changes today such as: workshop leader refresher courses, follow through with leaders to report their services delivered, recruitment support, special population niches and adaptation needs for the curriculum, etc.
After that point, we started rolling out large group weekend workshops, the high school family and consumer sciences program, the PREP Inside and Out program – or Prison PREP, and the First Time Offender Program.  By the time these programs were gaining traction, we had almost twenty people on staff and I had a full-blown service delivery team of eight full time and two part time employees.
Because we were still trying to find ways to balance the supply of workshop leaders and the demand from Oklahomans to attend them, we began an Oklahoma touring program where we began sending our own employees or contracting with our best workshop leaders to hold “Sweetheart Weekends” all over the state.  Oh, and somewhere very early on at this point a little project called “Building Strong Families (BSF)” began their planning work for what would later be a multi-phasic, multi-site marriage education research project and would include Oklahoma as one of their most prolific sources of data.
By the time I told the officers of the company that I wanted to go to OSU to teach, do research and begin my Ph.D. work, we had a little over 30 employees and were doing training and technical assistance work fairly frequently.  We had just been awarded the first three-year demonstration grant for the Adoptive Couple Retreats, Kendy was pregnant with her first child, PSI was waiting to hear the results from the first s
ubmission of the NHMRC proposal, BSF was evaluating sites, Supporting Healthy Marriages (SHM – another multi-site project) was just beginning to get started and the 200 million federal healthy marriage dollars had not yet become a reality because Welfare Reform (the personal responsibility and work opportunity act) had not been reauthorized.
Right before I left, I got an opportunity to speak with Scott Stanley, Mary Myrick and George Young at the 2004 Dallas Smart Marriages conference.  I had just run data for an updated overview of our service delivery impact and realized that we had hit the 30,000 number of those being served by one form or another of marriage education curriculum.  I will never forget talking to that room full of people because right before I shared those numbers I realized that that particular number represented almost 1% of the population of Oklahoma.  When I shared that data, I remember feeling joyful and the audience must have as well because they began clapping for our program in appreciation. The Smart Marriages attendees are one of the most supportive groups I’ve ever encountered.
So, OMI – you’ve come a long way.  You now have over 100 employees in several locations across the country.  I always used to prepare talking points data for Mary, Kendy or Director Hendrick to use when discussing the OMI so I’m going to give you a little gift and share a bit of research I did last night at midnight on the Census Bureau data for Oklahoma to end my comments.
The 2000 Census estimated that Oklahoma had roughly 3,451,000 citizens at the time of reporting.
If you calculated the reasonable age range of potential service delivery persons over these past ten years, that number would be approximately 2,750,993 persons.  Of that number, we need to subtract another 5% who would be unable to receive those services (this number includes those institutionalized or have other physical or emotional barriers to receive services).
After this we would need to calculate for attrition (some demographers calculate between 5-7% per year within a given geographic region).  Then we need to total cumulative services delivered.  To conceptualize a simple impact number, if we agreed to this statement: if “each person served in some way influenced at least one or two other persons by the effects of the marriage education intervention,” then the grand total of the “serviceable ten-year cohort” could be as high as 22% of the state’s population.  Even in simple numbers, the primary impact would be 8.3% of the serviceable ten-year cohort.
That seems significant.  And, I think it’s appropriate to now enter a picture of the wrapper they had replaced on a case of Hershey’s chocolate bars then passed out to celebrate the benchmark.  I have one hanging on my door at OSU…yummy!
Okay, so flash forward back to present day.  I’m going to safely assume the OMI hits that 230,000 mark by the end of June. So….
What do 230,000 people look like?  
Well, in Oklahoma we sometimes measure crowds by “football stadium standards.”  230,000 would almost be three Dallas Cowboy stadiums crammed with fans.
230,000 is about 27,000 more than the entire U.S. active duty Marine Corps.  
230,000 is just 20K less than the number who crowded the mall in Washington D.C. when Martin Luther King delivered his famous, “I Have a Dream” speech.
230,000 is how many gathered to hear Obama speak in Berlin – the largest crowd recorded during his 2008 campaign for President.  This next picture is just one small glimpse of that crowd, but might help you envision the number of people who have been through a MRE workshop in Oklahoma.
So how do I close this entry out?  Well, the next logical tho
ught would be: to what end?  What are the impacts of these services delivered and are they making a difference?  
To date, the OMI has experienced a process evaluation by Mathematica, several of their programs or funded grants have evaluation components within the model, and the report for the multi-site BSF study just came out.  Oklahoma was the only site that showed some effects, although there were intermittent groups and populations within the study that had effects as well.
There is still more to be done, however, in terms of evaluation.  Very soon we hope to see some calculations as to the effect – if any – on the divorce rate within the state.  Other measures in terms of strengthening families could be many and the OMI Research Advisory Group has articulated several ways to frame these types of assessments.  I’m personally looking forward to more outcome data sooner rather than later.  
Until then, however, I just want to congratulate the Public Strategies management team and staff.  AND the Oklahoma Department of Human Services who had the insightful forethought to begin funding this project upon the recommendation of our governor ten years ago.
I was thinking that most every one of those 220,000+ Oklahomans had utilized the “Floor” from the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program® (PREP) curriculum during their MRE workshops.  I believe it’s safe to say that quite a foundation is being built in Oklahoma, and the materials for those strong families include 220,000+ small yellow and white tiles with the rules for communication written on them.  This doesn’t make a “yellow brick road.” Rather, it makes a foundation upon which many committed relationships and marriages are being built here in the Heartland.  
Hats off to you, OMI – and best wishes for the next ten years!