On my 7th or 8th birthday, a sweet little girl named Amy giggled with excitement as my mom announced that it was time for the birthday girl to open gifts. Everyone gathered, tired from what seemed like hours of pony rides across my dad’s farm land, but Amy eagerly planted herself at the front of the pack and requested that I open her gift first. What I wouldn’t know until later was that she had already told my mother all about the gift, and my mother’s anxiety was growing by the second. You see, I already had this particular Smurfs purse, which was carefully tucked away in my dresser at home. Although it was my favorite new treasure, my mom was anticipating a less than stellar reaction to receiving a duplicate. This feeling was tempered only by her hope that I would pull through the awkward moment with a gracious response.
Just for fun, let’s turn this into a multiple choice question. How do you think I responded?
a.) I smiled, thanked Amy for such a thoughtful gift and later discussed exchange options with my mom.
b.) I congratulated Amy on her great taste since I had recently picked out the very same purse.
c.) I absently said, “I already have this” and moved on to the next gift unaware that my friend, deflated, had moved to the back of the pack.
“Meet Joe Black (1998)” was a movie about the Angel of Death and his earthly dialogue with a wealthy media mogul during his last days. In the film, the wealthy man acts as a guide to Death who, in the form of a young man, falls in love with the man’s beautiful daughter. Called by some as a “minimalist masterpiece,” you need patience and focus to get all the movie has to offer.
Here’s one thing I got from the film, and a subsequent clip on T.V. sometime after it was released: During a particular scene, Joe Black and “Jamaican Woman” (as noted in the script) are having a conversation about life. She waxes deeply philosophical in her discourse. At one point she says to him in some sort of summary thesis,
…But the truth is, it bound to happen if you stay long enough. So take that nice picture you got in your head home with you, but don’t be fooled. We lonely here mostly too. If we lucky, maybe, we got some nice pictures to take with us.
Later in an interview, Brad Pitt who played the Joe Black character reflected on that line. He said, in paraphrased form, “She’s right, ya know…life goes by and every once in a while we get a few snapshots to take with us. Perfect pictures we hold on to.”
I remember the interview like it was yesterday because of the look on Pitt’s face when he was talking. I don’t know what he was thinking about at the time, or why he chose that particular quote to talk about, but I thought about it last week out of the blue. I wondered if our RDC team would get to capture a “perfect picture” somewhere along their Thanksgiving holiday time as they were together with family or friends.
In today’s society where phrases like “fear of commitment” and “starter marriage” are all too normative, I am inspired by married couples who have persevered through difficult circumstances or otherwise made the deliberate decision to be committed to their spouse and their family.
As you may know, my days are spent overseeing relationship education services and supports to couples and individuals through The Oklahoma Marriage Initiative. As a part of that project, we partner with Oklahoma Publishing Company to make a commitment of our own….to recognize couples across Oklahoma who have beat the odds by sticking together for better and worse.
Last year, we searched for Oklahoma’s most inspiring couples through a statewide nomination process and produced an amazing calendar honoring these couples. Now, we are actively seeking nominations for 2011’s most inspiring couples.
Do you know a couple who exhibits extraordinary traits such as team work, commitment, or has lived a life of infectious fun? Perhaps they have impacted their family, neighborhood or community in an exceptional way or have braved sickness or other hardships as a team?
Please nominate these couples so their stories can be shared! In addition to the calendar, The Oklahoman will publish feature stories on the couples throughout the year.
To nominate, simply submit 250 words about the couple, sharing why you feel they deserve to be recognized, along with a picture. You can do this quickly and easily at www.newsok.com/inspiringcouples or by mail:
Oklahoma’s Most Inspiring Couples
The Oklahoman
P.O. Box 25125
Oklahoma City, OK 73125
You may also view pictures, stories and video of last year’s Inspiring Couples on the nomination site.
Reading through the nominations was truly the highlight of my last year and I look forward to again hearing about the wonderful couples across our great state! Nominations are due soon, November 22nd, so please submit your nominations now! We will notify selected couples the first part of December and move forward with capturing their stories and producing the calendar.
He fights… for what’s right, for the people he cares about, for the power of love, against adversity, to make a difference. He fights… for the cause, for answers, for truth, for honor, for justice. He fights fires. He fights apathy. He fights for his life.
He fights in France and he fights on the oceans and the seas. He fights with growing confidence and growing strength. He fights on the beaches and the landing grounds, in the fields, in the streets, and in the hills.
He never surrenders.
The strength of his hands may be required from time to time, but his fight is not physical. He does not fight for bragging rights or to prove someone else wrong. He does not fight for the sake of fighting itself. He does not fight in a fit of rage.
He fights for principles and values. For people, not things. He fights the good fight and though he may be fueled by passion, he’s bridled by experience and tempered with wisdom. He knows that the most powerful weapons in any fight are the ones that no one actually sees him use.
Real men are fighters.
P.S. Fighting in France has nothing to do with being a real man. I just thought this was a good opportunity to paraphrase Winston Churchill.
Old farmer. Freddy from Utah - click photo to visit photographer's Flickr site.
It’s about doing something that feels dead to you because it makes the other person feel more alive than anything else. It’s about considering the “other” around you and relegating the “self” of you. It’s about reaching outside of yourself and touching a dimension of those around you in a way that is personal, intentional and gives them an electric current through their soul.
These thoughts and more comprise the thesis of Gary Smalley’s “Five Love Languages” book, now assimilated into many cultures and families across the U.S. If you haven’t read the book, you might consider doing it soon. The read is quick, the outline is clear, and there may be those around you that would begin benefiting immediately from your greater understanding of who they are – and how they operate.
To review briefly for those who are not familiar with the work, “Love Languages” are ways to understand the process of yourself and others, and why communications or interactions are (or are not) meaningful. These processes were identified by Smalley as: acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts, physical touch, and words of affirmation. They must ring true for a great percentage of the population because his “Love Languages” workshops are still filling up across the country. In fact, I ran into people who were familiar with his book while in the UK this past summer.
So, why cover a topic when it’s so familiar?
The other day I was walking across the parking lot of a supermarket. I noticed an older woman being steered into the store by a caregiver. The caregiver could have been a family member, but I’m not sure. It seemed that every interaction between these two people was one of discomfort, misunderstanding, and ended up an impasse. At one point, the older woman said, “Why isn’t it okay that I don’t want a pumpkin? I would just like to enjoy a year where I don’t have to throw away something that just sat there.” The caregiver said, “You’ve always had pumpkins – every year. Let’s just get one, okay?”
Resigned, the older woman put it in her basket, looked around the room helplessly, found my eyes watching the scene, and looked away.
As I pushed my cart down the aisle, picking up groceries here and there, I began to think about my older family members. I wondered how their styles of communication or their needs were being met (or not) by our younger family members. Later that night, I was transcribing some of my grandmother’s memoirs and came across a letter from her father she had copied verbatim. I recalled that my grandmother was also a “writing” person, that she touched many lives by her loyal letter writing over the years.
Then my brain hopped a train down the “Love Languages” track. I began to think about each one of my older family members and wondered if I could identify their “language.” Hmm.
My mother – My parents aren’t really “old,” but they are elders in our family. Mom always brings sacks with things in it, every time she sees us. Perhaps she’s a “receiving gifts” person and gives them because she likes to get them?
My father – He seems to be a “quality time” person. I know he takes friends to lunch, he meets with people for regular breakfasts or get together times to discuss books and politics – that’s how he conveys that he cares.
My Grandma Yates – I think she was a “physical touch” person. She used to always grab grandchildren, pull them toward her, kiss them with a loud smack and give another hug just for good measure.
My Grandpa Yates – I think he was an “acts of service” person. He measured people by what they did, not what they said. And he appreciated what they did. I don’t know if I have enough memories to really identify his love language, but my best guess is service-oriented.
My Grandpa Frank –I wonder if he was a “words of affirmation” person. He used to show us things, then look at us expectantly, waiting for our response. Our job was to say, “Wow – that’s really neat.” Or, “That was a good find, Grandpa.” I think he liked to hear encouragement.
My Grandmother Emma Lee – I wonder if hers is quality time? I know she appreciates it when we come to see her. But I also know she writes many letters. Perhaps the letter writing is a way of giving time, of connecting.
I think I’ve covered enough of my family members to make a point. One of the points I just made with myself is that I don’t know for sure my own family’s love languages; especially the elders in my family who I may just not have considered before.
Do you? My encouragement for you this week is to observe carefully. However it is that the elders in your life engage you may very well be how you could best meet their needs. I can tell right now that I’m going to have to do a bit more investigation. But at least now I am thinking about it.
If you know the love languages of your elders, write a comment and let us know. I’m interested in what you’ve observed of the elders in your life.
Showcasing Red Dirt culture ~ authored and managed by contributors with connections to the great state of Oklahoma.
It all started with a plastic Smurfs purse.
