Note – here are the links to my two former related posts: Introduction and entry number one: Two of the Big Three Basic Marital Challenges.  Follow up and entry number two: Sex and Intimacy Issues, and Developing Yourself as an Individual.

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I’ve managed three different state or national surveys asking individuals what they think the area is in which they need the most help for their relationship.  The answers?  Every single time, “Conflict Resolution” comes out as the number one response, and “Communication” comes out as number two.  Every. Single. Time.

When I talk to people about what they are thinking when they answer “Conflict Resolution,” their answers basically hone in on the first word: conflict.  They feel, sense, are engaged in, or really demonstrate (quite loudly) conflict in one way or another.  They’re not really thinking about “conflict” as a problem to be solved.  Rather, they’re thinking about the emotions, feelings and dynamics involved when conflict takes place. Is it this way for you?  How about someone you know who has talked about conflict resolution…or just conflict?  Are they thinking “find a solution,” or are they thinking, “I hate that we’re having conflict and wish it would stop or get better?”  Granted, many want solutions and sometimes they try so hard at reasoning or trying to find solutions that it creates even more conflict!  By and large, conflict feels horrible.  But it doesn’t have to be…

Let’s talk for a moment about “Communication,” the number two issue for the general population.  (Ha! I wrote “talk” about communication – smile).  How do you describe couple communication?  How do you describe GOOD and/or BAD couple communication?  Again, many if not most people initially gravitate toward what is NOT working for them when they try to communicate, as opposed to what they’d LIKE to see or be doing.  Like conflict resolution, people have emotions or feelings attached to memories or impressions of how they communicate with one another.  They want to feel good when they finish a conversation – instead of bad.

People try all sorts of things to make bad communication stop.  They avoid, they leave, they press harder, they pursue, they say the same things over with more intensity – because perhaps saying it again and harder will help?  However, much about how couples communicate is hard-wired into them from the beginning:  their personalities, their physiological or biological make-up, how they were raised and how they learned communication from their own families, etc.  So, when it comes down to it, sometimes couples are left with feelings of frustration, anger, disappointment, rejection, loneliness, invalidation, sadness or even defeat.  But they don’t have to be…

Continue reading I Don’t Recommend Books, But If I DID… (Final Entry) →