Relationships

Nemo, Normandy and the mind-NUMBING Magical Power of the Sistah + Bro-hood Wedding Planners

My clinical supervisor once gave me some advice that plays over in my thoughts from time to time.  She said, “You don’t really have to guess at what people are thinking.  Usually, whatever comes out of their mouth is what is at the top of their mind.  And context?  Wherever they live and whatever they’re surrounded by are clear determining factors of what they’ll be bringing with them into the therapy office.”

I was thinking about this message last week because I was wondering why weddings have been occupying so much of my thinking lately.  I didn’t have to wonder too long, however, because my supervisor was right.  I’ve been attending weddings because it’s the summer “wedding season” of 2010 and I work at a university populated with students.  These students are generally of the age to begin wedding hopes, dreams and plans…and also host or attend wedding ceremonies. Finally, my children are 18 and 23, which means THEIR friends are also thinking about and participating in weddings.

I’m immersed.  Immersed in “dreamy-hopeful-lovey-cool-fun-startingoutonournewjourney” land. The upside of this immersion is having the chance to observe magical moments at each and every ceremony.  This particular story is about magic.  The magical power of a network of friends – focused, purposed and amazing.

And speaking of being immersed…I’ll begin the story by considering Nemo.  “Finding Nemo” was a Disney masterpiece chock-full of important life lessons.  The illustration I’d like to highlight is the “SWIM DOWN – KEEP SWIMMING!!” scene.  Do you remember it?  Nemo and Dory were almost home from Sidney when Dory was scooped up along with a massive school of fish into a fisherman’s net.

As the net began an upward ascent, pulled by a hydralic lift aboard the boat, the fish began to panic. That’s when the magic happened.  Nemo and his father began spreading the message to all the fish to swim downward.  It would only work if they ALL swam together.  Here’s a visually rough clip of the scene.  I get goosebumps when watching it.  Take a look….

Amazing things were accomplished when all the fish focused toward one goal.  And ONLY because they planned together (Nemo and his father agreed on the plan) and worked together.

Another example?  Amazing things were accomplished when hundreds of thousands coallition troops stormed the beaches of Normandy and paratrooped from the sky to turn the tide during WWII. And ONLY because they planned together and worked together.

And, amazing things were accomplished by a powerfully cohesive and supportive group of friends at Ryan and Elissa’s wedding in Stillwater, OK – Fall of 2008.  And ONLY because they planned together worked together.  Here’s what I witnessed when attending this wedding of my nephew Ryan and his lovely bride, Elissa:

I walked into the church before it began and was met with a visual of thirty or so college aged attendees greeting each other, opening the doors for guests arriving, suggesting to those just arriving that they sign the guest book, walking through the sanctuary of the church and meeting and greeting those seated.

What I immediately noticed was a warm and inviting environment that seemed to be completely manged by the bride and groom’s peers.  “Interesting,” I thought.  “They all seem invested in this process, and genuinely engaged in helping the guests feel welcome.”  I found my seat, said hello to my family and made my second observation:

The bride and groom’s friends were basically running the ceremony.  Although they had the traditional pastor-types leading the ceremony, the fingerprints of the wedding party were everywhere.  They sang and accompanied several songs, the groomsmen pulled out matching sunglasses on a particular cue, the bridesmaids walked as if they knew each other and didn’t miss a beat whenever the bride’s dress needed arranging or the flowers needed to be held. Hmm.

This group was synchronized like a well oiled support machine.  My next observation?

After the ceremony, the entire wedding party had exited to music played by their group. As I stood up to leave the sanctuary something caught my eye.  In a flash, the bridesmaids came back into the emptying auditorium and began to spread out.  They had a purpose but I didn’t yet understand what they were doing.  I watched with intrigue as they began to quickly pick up all the wedding flower decorations, speak with the groomsmen who were tearing down the musical equipment authoritatively, talk with each other about “who cleaned out the dressings rooms and did they do a final check on all the lights,” and other efficient and responsible dialogue.

What was UP with this group??  At other weddings I had witnessed planners and/or bride or groom relatives do this same kind of task.  But THIS was entirely the wedding party.  Before I could really process this modern-day “Elves and the Shoemaker” magic, the auditorium was spotless.  The work was DONE.  And…we all headed to the reception.  What did I find there?  I’m sure you can guess…

The groom’s friends DJ’d the party.  The bride’s friends escorted her outside when she got hot, and responded to the groom’s request of a drink for his bride.  The group danced with the groom’s grandfather, they danced together, and they danced with each other.  And, every time I turned around, one of them was talking to another guest – engaged in a genuine conversation and getting to know someone they had only met that night.

HERE IS A SHOT OF THE BRIDE AND HER MOTHER GETTING THEIR HAIR AND MAKEUP DONE BY TWO OF “THE GROUP.” ELISSA’S MOTHER HAS RHOMBERG’S DISEASE AND GETTING A MAKEOVER WAS A SPECIAL TREAT. ELISSA SHARED WITH ME THAT THIS WAS ONE OF HER FAVORITE SHOTS OF THE WEDDING…SHE AND HER MOM TOGETHER, GETTING READY WITH THE SUPPORT OF HER FRIENDS.

This group dynamic was the most powerful I’ve witnessed at a wedding of that age group (22-28ish).  Later I found out the bride’s friends did the photography for the wedding, did the hair and make-up for the bride and her mother, and did the flower decorations and arrangments for the church and reception.  When I asked the bride about the role of the “group” she said: “I truly do have a great group of friends that allowed us to have a magnificent wedding on a small budget. My hair, set-up of everything, photography and flower and decor arrangement was done by tons of our little helpers.”

So what is to be gained from learning about this group?  Are groups important?  Do they provide a social safety net for young couple stress and for setting norms about the institution of marriage itself?  The short answer is yes. What a culture or society “agrees to” is extremely influential regarding how people think and feel about a particular issue.  So the answers as to what can be gained are these validating life lessons, taught by group instruction:

When you need support, we’re here.
When you need diversity and creativity, we’re here.
We were beside you when you were married, so we’re in this together.
You’re worth our time and attention.
We believe in you, your marriage and your future.

When a group “blesses” a wedding, it’s a powerful thing.  I would say it’s magic.  And in this particular case, it was the mind-numbing magical power of the “sistah and bro-hood” wedding planners extraordinaire.

They were there when it started and I have a sneaking suspicion that when Elissa and Ryan celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they will already know who to call to plan their party.

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Relationships

A Lifetime Lesson Within a 45 Second Prayer

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I’m not sure how many weddings I’ve attended in my lifetime.  When I was very young, I paid attention to how comfortable the seating was and how long the service “droned on.” As an adolescent I paid attention to the dresses, hair and makeup of the bride and her party.  In college I paid attention to the ideas of the service, cake, programs and invitations as I began to plan my own wedding.  And now, having been married 25 years and been a family therapist for almost ten, I pay attention to the system.
I am fascinated by the rhythm of certain weddings, the families involved and the styles or personalities of the combined group of “his and hers” parties and guests.  Simply sitting back and taking it all in is pure joy, especially when I notice the one thing that I want to take away as food for thought.  Two weeks ago, I enjoyed an especially flavorful bite…maybe dessert.  I didn’t attend the reception, but felt as though I already got my wedding cake.  Here’s the story:
The chapel was filling with people.  The daughter of my childhood church camp friend was getting married and we arrived only a few minutes before the service began.  We were seated near the back and I was later very grateful for that particular vantage point.  Normally I want to sit close so I can really soak in the action.  However a seat in the back gives wedding guests a different perspective; a bit removed, but also broadened.My husband watched his former college roommate, the father of the bride, walk his daughter down the aisle.  Next, I watched my dear friend light one of the family tapers for the unity candle ritual.  It was because of the bride’s mother and father that my husband and I had met.  They introduced us my sophomore year in college.  As I sat there, I began to think about being in their wedding, and then they participating in ours.  I broke out the Kleenex at least 15 minutes earlier than my normal crying point. I really love my friend and was excited for her daughter to experience this big day.

As the service began to get started with introductions and welcomes my mind turned to those getting married rather than those giving the bride away.  The pastors and the betrothed were smiling occasionally, and some of the narrative was interjected with talk of “wedding day jitters.”  At one point, one of the pastors made a comment about the groom feeling anxious and excited about their big day.  I noticed that both the bride and the groom’s body language matched the conversation.  My mind flashed back to my niece’s wedding last year where she bounced slightly and swayed from side to side during the wedding because of her sheer happiness and excitement.  Her body movements kept us entertained the entire service.

These particular wedding day jitters weren’t that overt, but they were definitely a part of the discussion.  I smiled again as the groom agreed about being excited for the wedding as the speaker noted his visibly heightened mood.

The message to the audience and the exchange of vows passed quickly and the unity candle ritual followed.  As the music for this portion began, the bride and groom lit the larger candle, took communion and then repositioned themselves in the middle of the stage.  While the music continued, they began to talk a bit and I saw the groom bouncing slightly.  As the seconds ticked by and they continued chatting with each other, you could see their energy or anxiety build a bit as they laughed and tried to wait through the song.  Just then, I saw the groom ask a question.  I could tell this by the slight tilting of his head.  I saw the bride respond by looking at him, smiling, and nodding in agreement.  They took each other’s hands, bowed their heads and he began to pray.  She was clearly in sync with him because you could see her head occasionally moving as he uttered a phrase, or she would smile and nod intermittently.

This shot shows the bride and and groom just as they began to pray together.  Her grip is tight, his face is flushed and they aren’t quite centered yet…still approaching God through their prayer.

I was grateful for the length of the song because I was witnessing something amazing.  As the prayer continued, his head bowed slightly more, the flushing on his face disappeared and his body got quiet.  Her shoulders relaxed, her elbows dropped a bit and a peaceful smile replaced the smile of excitement there only a minute before.  Their heads leaned in a bit closer and my sense was that the chapel full of people were disappearing in their minds.  It was just the bride, the groom and God.  There must have been an “amen” because they both took a deep breath and lifted their heads – more sure of themselves, relaxed and ready for whatever would meet them next.

This shot was taken close to the end of the song and their prayer.  Kiley’s face and arms are relaxed, Josh’s shoulders and neck are relaxed and even the maid of honor is quiet and focused.

Long after the introductions of the newly married couple and the recessional of the wedding party, the prayer scene played over in my mind.

As a therapist, I had witnessed a “symmetrical to complementary shift” take place…the individual and couple anxiety that had been rapidly cycling was released over to a higher power they trusted to manage their next steps.  As a Biblical scholar, I thought of the numerous examples I’ve read about in the scriptures of godly men or women wrestling with an issue, praying it through and then celebrating their relief as they are redirected with a renewed purpose or vision.  As a family scientist, I was glad they had spirituality as a core element and resource in their relationship – a strength that would get them through many times of anxiety or stress they would face down the road.  And as a friend, I was grateful (and emotional) about the thought that the children of our younger selves were growing up and prepared to begin their own lives.

What can we learn from Kiley and Josh, the praying newlyweds?  Well, I suppose that when we’re considering our own food for thought, prayer is certainly an excellent ingredient for a well balanced relationship.  After all, wouldn’t most of us appreciate a way to externalize our anxiety and place it on shoulders much bigger than our own?  Knowing God carries what they can’t is a sure-fire way new couples can walk with confidence through their newly-wedded life.

And for me, I suppose another thing I’ve learned is that when attending the weddings of my friend’s children, carry the super jumbo pack of tissues.  If this generation continues to teach me lessons such as I witnessed this time, I’ll be keeping Kimberly Clark in business for a good, long while.

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Relationships

A Relational Foundation Constructed with Hard Work, Thought and 220,000+ “Floors”

This photo, retrieved from the OMI website, shows a couple using “The Floor” as a tool to assist them in their skills practice.  For more pictures or further information, visit:
http://www.okmarriage.org/


I worked as the Director of the Service Delivery System (SDS) for the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative (OMI) from 2002 through 2004.  This private/public partnership is managed by Public Strategies, Inc. (PSI) of Oklahoma City. Sometimes when I visit with the staff it still feels as if it’s only been a short time since I was there. And, I still joke that it feels like I put in three times that many years of productivity during my tenure with the program.


Kendy Cox, a member of their leadership team and Director of OMI Services, called me late last October with some good news to share.  The OMI was preparing to hold an impromptu celebration with their now burgeoning staff of over 100 as well as a few friends because they had reached a special milestone.  They were commemorating the delivery of their 200,000th marriage and/or relationship education (MRE) service. I was asked to stop in and discuss the earlier history of the OMI SDS as part of their event.  I had five minutes to summarize two years (times three!) and so I begin thinking back about how best to accomplish that mission.


Flash forward seven months.


I was cleaning out my e-mail box last week and came across the notes I sent myself that I had prepared for the staff meeting that day.  I “Facebooked” Kendy and asked where their current number of services delivered presently stood.  When she responded that they had added another 18-20,000 to that number since last fall and would most likely reach 30,000 by the end of their FY (end of June this year) I knew it was time to write a blog entry.  30,000 was the number I announced the OMI had reached right before I left…and it had taken, during the ramp up stage, 3.5 years to get there.  Now they were reaching that number in seven months.


So, with that as the context, I’m going to share with you what I discussed with the OMI staff in an updated version.  A note of warning –  I get emotional talking about this so if my writing is prone to hyperbole toward the end…well, I’m warning you now.  Researchers have feelings too.  Here we go:


When I began at PSI, there were eleven women and one male college student who was interning with us for a few months.  The OMI program had been up and running for 18 months and had trained 450 workshop leaders, but we only had data collected for 83 workshops that showed we had served 1184 citizens.  This was problematic because at least 375 of those workshop leaders had signed a contract to deliver four workshops over a twelve month period.
We then began large, in-depth qualitative interviewing project that kept us working nights and weekends for six weeks. We hired twelve college students to help us complete the project.  This resulted in data showing that in actuality, almost 10,000 people had been served. Many lessons were learned though that project that are still program changes today such as: workshop leader refresher courses, follow through with leaders to report their services delivered, recruitment support, special population niches and adaptation needs for the curriculum, etc.
After that point, we started rolling out large group weekend workshops, the high school family and consumer sciences program, the PREP Inside and Out program – or Prison PREP, and the First Time Offender Program.  By the time these programs were gaining traction, we had almost twenty people on staff and I had a full-blown service delivery team of eight full time and two part time employees.
Because we were still trying to find ways to balance the supply of workshop leaders and the demand from Oklahomans to attend them, we began an Oklahoma touring program where we began sending our own employees or contracting with our best workshop leaders to hold “Sweetheart Weekends” all over the state.  Oh, and somewhere very early on at this point a little project called “Building Strong Families (BSF)” began their planning work for what would later be a multi-phasic, multi-site marriage education research project and would include Oklahoma as one of their most prolific sources of data.
By the time I told the officers of the company that I wanted to go to OSU to teach, do research and begin my Ph.D. work, we had a little over 30 employees and were doing training and technical assistance work fairly frequently.  We had just been awarded the first three-year demonstration grant for the Adoptive Couple Retreats, Kendy was pregnant with her first child, PSI was waiting to hear the results from the first s
ubmission of the NHMRC proposal, BSF was evaluating sites, Supporting Healthy Marriages (SHM – another multi-site project) was just beginning to get started and the 200 million federal healthy marriage dollars had not yet become a reality because Welfare Reform (the personal responsibility and work opportunity act) had not been reauthorized.
Right before I left, I got an opportunity to speak with Scott Stanley, Mary Myrick and George Young at the 2004 Dallas Smart Marriages conference.  I had just run data for an updated overview of our service delivery impact and realized that we had hit the 30,000 number of those being served by one form or another of marriage education curriculum.  I will never forget talking to that room full of people because right before I shared those numbers I realized that that particular number represented almost 1% of the population of Oklahoma.  When I shared that data, I remember feeling joyful and the audience must have as well because they began clapping for our program in appreciation. The Smart Marriages attendees are one of the most supportive groups I’ve ever encountered.
So, OMI – you’ve come a long way.  You now have over 100 employees in several locations across the country.  I always used to prepare talking points data for Mary, Kendy or Director Hendrick to use when discussing the OMI so I’m going to give you a little gift and share a bit of research I did last night at midnight on the Census Bureau data for Oklahoma to end my comments.
The 2000 Census estimated that Oklahoma had roughly 3,451,000 citizens at the time of reporting.
If you calculated the reasonable age range of potential service delivery persons over these past ten years, that number would be approximately 2,750,993 persons.  Of that number, we need to subtract another 5% who would be unable to receive those services (this number includes those institutionalized or have other physical or emotional barriers to receive services).
After this we would need to calculate for attrition (some demographers calculate between 5-7% per year within a given geographic region).  Then we need to total cumulative services delivered.  To conceptualize a simple impact number, if we agreed to this statement: if “each person served in some way influenced at least one or two other persons by the effects of the marriage education intervention,” then the grand total of the “serviceable ten-year cohort” could be as high as 22% of the state’s population.  Even in simple numbers, the primary impact would be 8.3% of the serviceable ten-year cohort.
That seems significant.  And, I think it’s appropriate to now enter a picture of the wrapper they had replaced on a case of Hershey’s chocolate bars then passed out to celebrate the benchmark.  I have one hanging on my door at OSU…yummy!
Okay, so flash forward back to present day.  I’m going to safely assume the OMI hits that 230,000 mark by the end of June. So….
What do 230,000 people look like?  
Well, in Oklahoma we sometimes measure crowds by “football stadium standards.”  230,000 would almost be three Dallas Cowboy stadiums crammed with fans.
230,000 is about 27,000 more than the entire U.S. active duty Marine Corps.  
230,000 is just 20K less than the number who crowded the mall in Washington D.C. when Martin Luther King delivered his famous, “I Have a Dream” speech.
230,000 is how many gathered to hear Obama speak in Berlin – the largest crowd recorded during his 2008 campaign for President.  This next picture is just one small glimpse of that crowd, but might help you envision the number of people who have been through a MRE workshop in Oklahoma.
So how do I close this entry out?  Well, the next logical tho
ught would be: to what end?  What are the impacts of these services delivered and are they making a difference?  
To date, the OMI has experienced a process evaluation by Mathematica, several of their programs or funded grants have evaluation components within the model, and the report for the multi-site BSF study just came out.  Oklahoma was the only site that showed some effects, although there were intermittent groups and populations within the study that had effects as well.
There is still more to be done, however, in terms of evaluation.  Very soon we hope to see some calculations as to the effect – if any – on the divorce rate within the state.  Other measures in terms of strengthening families could be many and the OMI Research Advisory Group has articulated several ways to frame these types of assessments.  I’m personally looking forward to more outcome data sooner rather than later.  
Until then, however, I just want to congratulate the Public Strategies management team and staff.  AND the Oklahoma Department of Human Services who had the insightful forethought to begin funding this project upon the recommendation of our governor ten years ago.
I was thinking that most every one of those 220,000+ Oklahomans had utilized the “Floor” from the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program® (PREP) curriculum during their MRE workshops.  I believe it’s safe to say that quite a foundation is being built in Oklahoma, and the materials for those strong families include 220,000+ small yellow and white tiles with the rules for communication written on them.  This doesn’t make a “yellow brick road.” Rather, it makes a foundation upon which many committed relationships and marriages are being built here in the Heartland.  
Hats off to you, OMI – and best wishes for the next ten years!

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Showcasing Red Dirt culture ~ authored and managed by contributors with connections to the great state of Oklahoma.