Relationships

Seven Things You Should Expect From a Couples or Family Therapist

From Moonstruck

I.
Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: No.
Rose: Good. When you love them they drive you crazy because they know they can.

II.
Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: Aw, ma, I love him awful.
Rose: Oh, God, that’s too bad.

***

Early February serves as a reminder to consider those you love platonically, as well as those with whom you are in a romantic relationship.  National Marriage Week is celebrated during Valentine’s Day season, and we see lots of information on television and the internet about how people enjoy their special time together, all in the name of Love.  What also happens, however, is that Valentine’s Day sometimes brings to the front of our minds things that aren’t going so well.  This is because, for some, the thought or events surrounding the season inevitably point them back home…where the heart is….or, where the heart MIGHT be if it weren’t for the fact that they were arguing all the time.

For those of you who plan to go out and have a wonderful time during the upcoming “week of love,” we wish you the best.  But for those of you who might be considering the possibility of getting some positive change in an unhealthy relationship, I want to make sure you have this list.  I’ve practiced therapy for ten years now and have summarized a list of standards you should expect if you decide to get counseling for your relationship. The list is based upon discussions with my own clients, and also from cases I’ve supervised:

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Oklahoma culture

On Being a Bear

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by Joey Rodman

There was a time when my youngest would tell people that when she grew up, she was going to be a bear. She did not mean that she would dress up like a bear, or that she would be aggressive, or that she would marry someone and change her last name to “Bear”….she meant she would literally become a bear. If you pressed her a bit she would tell you that she was going to be a “Brown Bear” like in Eric Carle’s book. She was 2.

I often became annoyed with people who would tell her that she could not, in fact, “be a bear” when she grew up. I felt like either she already knew this on some level and they were underestimating her intelligence, or she really did believe people could become bears and they were squashing her childhood wonder. I often battled back and forth between these two poles in my anger toward the idiots who would say “people can’t be bears.”  This was amplified by the fact that just about any of them would turn around a few minutes later and tell that she could be “whatever she wanted to be” when she grew up.

The child wanted to be a bear. I was not going to tell her she couldn’t. I was interested in finding out how she planned to do this.

She is now 7 and if you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up she will tell you that it is “a stupid question.”  Everyone knows, or should, that “…she is queen of the world. While she’s not technically ‘in office’ at the time being, her existence is not predicated on popular opinion of her political power. She is queen of the world. When she is older, everyone will realize this. Right now, we’re all too stupid to ‘get it’ and for that she pities us.”

She is told over and over by any adult around her (save her father and me) that she can’t “grow up and be queen of the world” because it’s not possible. There is no queen of the world. She will of course explain to them that not only is there a queen of the world, but they’re looking at her right now.

I tell you this because I think it’s a symptom of our bigger problem. Not only do we think that things are the way they are because they are “supposed to be that way” but we fail to imagine that anything will really ever drastically change. This type of willful amnesia annoys me the most.

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Homestead and Garden

2011 Ranch Hand Guide: #4. Ride The Horse in The Direction It’s Goin’

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It’s true.  Two summers ago I literally did not follow this rule; the horse went left and I went right…and down.  I did a complete flip (well, almost) and landed on the rock hard ground as dust billowed up around me.  My insides gelled together while I checked for feeling in my legs.  This rule is not really about horses, but rather the fact that our world is constantly changing; we need to make sure we are changing with it.

Julie on horseback
Here I am in the saddle where I am supposed to be. These are Judy's horses in Chickasha. It's almost certain that if I go for a visit, we are going to find time for a ride. Riding used to be scary too. But if I am going to keep up Judy, I knew I had to overcome my fear and move on.

The Seed

Change is constant.  Do you remember when you first encountered a new piece of technology for the first time?  A few years younger than I, my graduate school project partner insisted that the way to eject a disk from a Macintosh computer was to drag the disk to the trash.  Really.  Does that make sense?  No.  I know it doesn’t.  I was so very far out of my comfort zone on that day.  I eventually realized that this thing called the Internet might be sticking around for a little while, and I probably better get it figured out.

Germination

Change is constant.  My example of the change in technology over the years is just one tiny little blip on the world radar.  It’s true that just a few years after I watched the virtual disk drop into the virtual trash can and then watched the actual disk pop out of the computer, I was teaching others to create web pages.  But then the world as I know it changed again.  I moved wwaaaayyyy out into the country.  I could barely get an Internet connection.  WiFi?  Not out here!

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Oklahoma culture, Relationships

Silent Sunday: 1/30/11 ~ What I Think But Do Not Say

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Out loud: Grandma - "Oh, I need to buckle my seat belt!" In my head: "Yes you do, Grandma. I want you to be safe and sound for all the weddings and family events possible. Make sure it's latched...we love you."
Out loud: "Do you want to take a photo of the table before we serve everyone?" Me out loud: "Yes, great idea. I'm on it!" Me in my head: "Do you have any idea how much I appreciate you all right now? Your table is beautiful and you got her a Raspberries n' Creme cake, even though they're expensive. You're melting my heart right now."

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Faith

Simple Sabbath: The Gospel in an Alabaster Jar

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Wherever this gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done shall also be spoken of in memory of her. Matthew 26:13

First, a small etymological exercise: gospel – our Old English form of this word is godspell, god (long o) which is good –  spell or story/message, translation of Latin. bona adnuntiatio, itself a translation of the Greek word euangelion “reward for bringing good news.”

The context of our verse is the impending crucifixion of our Lord Jesus. Jesus encounters a woman who pours a very expensive amount of perfume on his head. Jesus tells his indignant disciples that she has done “a beautiful thing.” (see Matthew 26, Mark 14)

By all means, build your life on the gospel. Let’s see a few ways that the perfume incident helps us convey the gospel of Jesus –

1. Jesus said wherever the gospel is preached, the story of this woman should be told. It is a story of passion for Jesus. It is a story of total sacrifice. It is a story of pouring out all earthly possessions to express a heart devoted to Christ the Lord. We must tell such faith stories.  Apologetics, reason, sound doctrine, etc., — all are important as we share the gospel. But few people come to Christ as a result of logic or debate. The power of the gospel is a testimony of faith. Concern yourself less with converting your neighbor; choose, by faith to love your neighbor.

2. The beauty of this moment was the woman’s fountain of passion. Let us ask, “Was this an act of compassion or an act of sacrifice?” Go and learn what this means (see Matthew 9:13).  Can we strive to impress Jesus? Should we offer sacrifices? Some people believe that sacrifice will make them more acceptable to God. But the Sacrifice has already been offered according to the gospel. It was not the woman’s sacrifice that Jesus commended, it was her passion. This woman found Jesus; she found a reason for hope and one who would set her heart on fire.

3. The woman’s social faux pas was her impulse to do something. She seems to have been carried away by her emotions. She let her feelings get the best of her. Nobody told her to do it, something stirred her from within. She forgot to ask a simple question, “What will others think?” While society criticized her, Jesus commended her. (There’s a big lesson for parents and teachers. Can you think of a time when a student let the heart get ahead of the head? The gospel says don’t be so quick to reprimand.)

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Showcasing Red Dirt culture ~ authored and managed by contributors with connections to the great state of Oklahoma.