Last month, I wrote a list of things I will do when I’m an old man. Most, if not all of them were pretty tongue and cheek. However, as I was writing it, I kept thinking of more serious things that I wanted to be doing when I’m an old man. And that’s what this list is all about.
Without any further ado, when I’m an old man:
Calling all couples who are past the DTR talk and are now considering long term commitment such as engagement, marriage or an alternative long-term relationship: this essay is for YOU.
You now have more choices than ever before in terms of taking smart, educational and healthy steps in a “prevention” way to invest in “relationship insurance,” so to speak. Regardless of what you call it, taking the time to get your relationship fine-tuned is one of the biggest gifts you can give each other.
Research shows that depending upon the program you choose, preventative education or premarital counseling can help your relationship stay together, on average, 3-8 years longer than couples who did nothing. This finding isn’t saying that your relationship is simply going to break down at a later date; it means that you’ve helped your relationship beat the divorce or break-up odds by taking 8-12 hours of time together – to think through plans, skills, and meanings of what you’re getting ready to begin. In other words, the odds will be even MORE in your favor than before.
In other-other words? Premarital or pre-commitment preparation is a no-brainer. A hard core, serious, bona fide NO-BRAINER!
Continue reading Twelve Ways to Get PREPARE’d for Long Term Commitment
Have you ever seen a child imitate a behavior they just observed? Or catch them trying something out they saw happen in their home, on TV or when they were in a public location? These small snapshots of a day in the life of a developing child can make anyone smile. However, they also give us first hand examples of just how impressionable young minds are.
Depending upon what professional you speak with, these imitation behaviors might be attributed to “Learning Theory,” or in some situations, “Script Theory.” Other family scientists call it “modeling” or attribute a child’s actions to something called “Symbolic Interaction.” But regardless of what this phenomenon is called, it’s real. It happens every day in the life of a parent and child. And, it’s way more powerful than you might sometimes think.
I wish I had a positive impact video to show you along side this particular clip. However, I think it does a pretty good job and getting the message across of my post today:
Continue reading How to Teach Your Children About Marriage…Without Saying A Word
There is a small magnetic whiteboard on my refrigerator. The white plastic apparatus, clinging by electromagnetic magic to the fingerprint smudged stainless steel veneer, catches my eye every time I turn on my lights in the morning. The whiteboard has become a beacon, a challenge, and a reminder of things to think about I didn’t know I should consider.
Why? Because my future son-in-law puts quotes on the board and leaves them there. Sometimes I see him writing them. Other times I’m surprised with a new message. But they’re always powerful; they’re full of the angst and strength of young lovers and budding poets and young men and women discovering the world. They remind me of the troubadours of the High Middle Ages. And, they remind me that humans are passionate…that I should take care with the souls of those whom fate has placed in my family on Earth.
From Moonstruck
I.
Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: No.
Rose: Good. When you love them they drive you crazy because they know they can.
II.
Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta Castorini: Aw, ma, I love him awful.
Rose: Oh, God, that’s too bad.
***
Early February serves as a reminder to consider those you love platonically, as well as those with whom you are in a romantic relationship. National Marriage Week is celebrated during Valentine’s Day season, and we see lots of information on television and the internet about how people enjoy their special time together, all in the name of Love. What also happens, however, is that Valentine’s Day sometimes brings to the front of our minds things that aren’t going so well. This is because, for some, the thought or events surrounding the season inevitably point them back home…where the heart is….or, where the heart MIGHT be if it weren’t for the fact that they were arguing all the time.
For those of you who plan to go out and have a wonderful time during the upcoming “week of love,” we wish you the best. But for those of you who might be considering the possibility of getting some positive change in an unhealthy relationship, I want to make sure you have this list. I’ve practiced therapy for ten years now and have summarized a list of standards you should expect if you decide to get counseling for your relationship. The list is based upon discussions with my own clients, and also from cases I’ve supervised:
Continue reading Seven Things You Should Expect From a Couples or Family Therapist
Continue reading Silent Sunday: 1/30/11 ~ What I Think But Do Not Say
Note – occasionally I write posts about my relationship with myself. This is one such post. It’s about my relationship with my Saddlebags. You can search “Saddlebags” to catch the history of these posts, or go here for the entry prior to this one.
***
I hate going to the dentist. I have a past childhood, former adolescence and present adulthood so filled with dental trauma that I know I’ll never get over the all-encompassing fear I face every sixth months of my life. Seriously.
When I was a kid, I had four permanent teeth removed for braces, I had four wisdom teeth removed prior to getting braces (plus a little piece of my jawbone – they had impacted, and having no where else to turn, went downward…into my jaw), cavities galore, more shots than I’ll ever be able to count…I puke when the dentist tries to give me laughing gas. Can you tell I’m serious here? I really, really hate going to the dentist. Now, I’m in the process of getting crowns because of all my cavities and I’m only finished with number three. I have to get seven. I also hate it when people tell me dentist stories…and I’ve just put you through an entire paragraph of mine. Oh my heavenly days – please forgive me! I have a point. Really…
My point is that I fear going to the dentist. I hope that’s clear. But I have realized since last November that I’ve been fearing going to the gym, practically at the same level of intensity…to shake my saddlebags, remember? I mean I really worked myself up on how hard it was going to be to start a workout regimen again, and I had to literally drag myself into the gym the first time. After generating so much lactic acid that I became nauseous and spent some quality time over the toilet, I decided that working out wasn’t just scary – – it was horrific. So horrific that it took me six full days for my muscles to quit aching from the first workout. I recall not being able to sit on the carpet during Thanksgiving because the prospect of getting back up meant moving my legs, arms and abdomen and that would induce pain…Pain!
Continue reading Shaking the Saddlebags #2: The Fantastic Fear Trifecta
No, this post has nothing to do with a powerful political movement that’s sweeping our country. It’s about something way more important. A totally different kind of tea party.
As the father of a beautiful three-month old little girl, I just want to make sure I’ve covered all my bases in writing about what actually constitutes a real man should I ever receive an invitation from my daughter to attend a tea party (imagined or otherwise) that she’s hosting. That said, a real man is willing to sit down for a tea party with his daughter.
By attending a tea party as the honored guest of his daughter, a real man models for her the kind of man she should be interested in dating when she is of courting age.
The only other important thing I can add to this discussion at this time is this: a real man always remembers to stick his pinky out.
[michael]
Football season is almost over.
Each year the Main Football Curtain comes to a close with Superbowl Sunday, and that’s not too far down the road. Therefore, I thought I would bring back a series I began last summer on “Boundary Education” using football metaphors. It’s time for Lesson #3. If you love football, feel you might need to learn a bit more about setting personal boundaries or learning how to utilize boundaries for the health of a couple relationship, begin your reading here:
Boundary Education for Football Fans: The Flea Flicker and Four Other Strategic Plays for Relational Competence. And, here…
Knowing When to Take a Knee: Boundary Lessons (Part Deaux)
Now – if you’ve already reviewed Lessons One and Two, then you probably recall the scenario we’re using to set up all our boundary setting skill practices. To summarize and briefly set the scene, you’re at a company picnic and see the one person you always try to avoid, setting up their “camp” next to your site…
Just as you are thinking strongly about whether or not to fold the blanket back up and look for another spot, you hear your co-worker approaching you and the first thing that they say is, “Wow…here we are…at a family picnic! Games for the kids, a little pool area, prizes for the tricycle race – what a set up. Our kids can’t wait to get started. So, when are you two going to get crackin’ and have your first baby?”
So, we’ve already demonstrated how you might “punt” in terms of responding to your problem colleague, and we also worked through what “taking a knee” might look like. Now, it’s time to step it up a little. It’s time to move past the neutral responses and begin learning how to make progress. I’ll show you three different ways you could consider:
In The Ranch Hand’s Guide to 2011 I listed five guidelines that I’ve adopted to have a great year without resolutions. Let’s just get some facts out of the way. This article is not about pigs or dirt. I realize I like to talk using idioms and metaphors. If you are still wondering, rule #1 translates into “when it really doesn’t matter, you don’t need to argue with people.”
The Seed
Before I was ever able to recognize this in myself, I saw this undesirable trait in other people. You know you have too. I watched someone argue over a restaurant bill. I heard friends and family members complain about their embarrassment when someone they were with argued with the Wal-mart checker. The people I know who argue do it all the time…and are pretty good at it. They usually aren’t happy with getting the last word. They need to have the last two or three words, and when I really don’t care, they are still talking about it. Those people are not good listeners and have a low tolerance for people who are different from them. It dawned on me that maybe this is how they create a positive view of who they are. I realized there were situations when I had argued unnecessarily. Yuck. It was unattractive and it had to stop.
Germination
I began practicing this rule using baby steps. I stopped talking before I had said everything I felt I “needed” to say. My opponent and I were never left any better than when we started, so what was the use? Then, I took the plunge into not even addressing the silly things that I once thought were important. Silly things. That’s the key. Who cares if I ordered rice and I got rice and beans. I like them both. Then to take it a little further, I started extinguishing the beginnings of arguments started between, for example, my husband and others. Wow! What a difference in the conversations that followed between us. Suddenly the complaints were gone and discussions of our role in the perceived problem ensued.
Note – here are the links to my two former related posts: Introduction and entry number one: Two of the Big Three Basic Marital Challenges. Follow up and entry number two: Sex and Intimacy Issues, and Developing Yourself as an Individual.
***
I’ve managed three different state or national surveys asking individuals what they think the area is in which they need the most help for their relationship. The answers? Every single time, “Conflict Resolution” comes out as the number one response, and “Communication” comes out as number two. Every. Single. Time.
When I talk to people about what they are thinking when they answer “Conflict Resolution,” their answers basically hone in on the first word: conflict. They feel, sense, are engaged in, or really demonstrate (quite loudly) conflict in one way or another. They’re not really thinking about “conflict” as a problem to be solved. Rather, they’re thinking about the emotions, feelings and dynamics involved when conflict takes place. Is it this way for you? How about someone you know who has talked about conflict resolution…or just conflict? Are they thinking “find a solution,” or are they thinking, “I hate that we’re having conflict and wish it would stop or get better?” Granted, many want solutions and sometimes they try so hard at reasoning or trying to find solutions that it creates even more conflict! By and large, conflict feels horrible. But it doesn’t have to be…
Let’s talk for a moment about “Communication,” the number two issue for the general population. (Ha! I wrote “talk” about communication – smile). How do you describe couple communication? How do you describe GOOD and/or BAD couple communication? Again, many if not most people initially gravitate toward what is NOT working for them when they try to communicate, as opposed to what they’d LIKE to see or be doing. Like conflict resolution, people have emotions or feelings attached to memories or impressions of how they communicate with one another. They want to feel good when they finish a conversation – instead of bad.
People try all sorts of things to make bad communication stop. They avoid, they leave, they press harder, they pursue, they say the same things over with more intensity – because perhaps saying it again and harder will help? However, much about how couples communicate is hard-wired into them from the beginning: their personalities, their physiological or biological make-up, how they were raised and how they learned communication from their own families, etc. So, when it comes down to it, sometimes couples are left with feelings of frustration, anger, disappointment, rejection, loneliness, invalidation, sadness or even defeat. But they don’t have to be…
Continue reading I Don’t Recommend Books, But If I DID… (Final Entry)
He’s professional without being uncomfortable. He’s nice. He’s creative and has a keen interest in helping reveal the beauty of life within his subjects. In an attempt to reduce a personality and business of positive complexities into a cohesive concept, his website reads:
“There are two things you need to know about me. I enjoy life and I believe in creating images that make you feel something.”
Carl Zoch went into full-time photography business only a few short years ago. He and his wife had to talk about it. And think about it. And part of those discussions were about Carl’s desire to learn more and more about the subject of photography until he had exhausted his capacity to learn. He is still not done. However, his business and business model is beginning to take shape.
He only books 25 weddings per year. He’s become well connected and referred within the photographer community of Oklahoma. He is linked occasionally to other creative ventures or people such as Dusty Gilpin at Tree and Leaf (who, by the way, just designed our RDC T-Shirts).
And, his work is very good. I invite you to spend some time reviewing his website at your leisure. I like the background music he’s chosen for his slides, and I like his open and willing communication style when I e-mail him, asking to publish an image for our “Silent Sunday” features. But I think more than anything today, I like him because he just sent the proofs of my daughter’s engagement photos to her in a slideshow…and because they made me cry.
Continue reading Why Thursday Evening Shout Outs and Kleenex Boxes Go Together
As you prepare to enter your New Year I wonder…are there people in your life who drive you crazy? Can you count on them to continue to do or say the same ridiculous, lame or annoying things over and over? Do they grate on your nerves so much that you go out of your way to avoid them even though you know that keeping a connection with them would be better for you or your family?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then it might be time for you to become a reframing expert this year. The word “reframing” is used in relation to several different conceptual areas (math, problem solving, dealing with people, education, etc.). I am specifically writing today, however, about how we see, understand, perceive and “know” people. Human beings can really get into deep ruts with how they perceive people. Sometimes these ruts feel or seem so deep that we give up. We quit hoping that the “problem” person will change. Rather, our solution is to put up with, avoid, or hurry through interactions with them.
However, reframing might be just the step stool you needed in order to get out of those ruts…and stay out. So, what are reframes?
Anthony Robbins wrote, “A signal has meaning only in the frame or context in which we perceive it.“ And although Tony Robbins is known for his powerful presentations on dealing with people, and implementing reframes, he wasn’t the first person to really articulate techniques for changing the games people play. Therapists such as Virginia Satir and Milton Erickson are generally credited with defining them first when it comes to dealing with people. Reframes are renaming, or “re-framing” ideas about people in positive ways that were generally seen as negative. When someone hears a reframe, their brain almost does a double-take. In other words, it gives the people involved a chance to step back, take advantage of how things were shaken up, and redefine the “meaning in which we perceive” them or their behavior. The trick is…if the problem is perceived negatively, the reframe must always be implemented with a positive approach. To reframe one negative into another does no one any good.
Here are a few examples to help you understand specifically what this might look like. You might recognize some people in your own life, and that is good too because you can begin practicing right now!
I’ve never been that crazy about dogs. But you’d never know this by listening to my parents run through the seemingly endless list of pets my brothers and I had growing up. I don’t remember what happened to most of them, so clearly I wasn’t attached enough to have traumatic memories of their demises. While I have an appreciation for cute little critters, for most of my life I could say that I’d never been head over heels in love with something furry (I could make a joke here about my husband’s back, but…..whoopsie, I guess I just did!). However, I recognize the importance of pet care in ensuring these animals are loved and well looked after, as responsible pet ownership not only enhances the quality of life for pets but also fosters a deeper bond between them and their families.
When Jason and I decided to get a puppy together at about the time we were engaged, my “dog hating” streak ended. Scout, a black and white Springer Spaniel, was the cutest little thing you’ve ever seen but we learned quickly how hard it is to train a puppy. In fact, our puppy experience was more like training for the impending trials of marriage and parenthood. We joke that our marriage preparation course was administered by a 50 pound slobbering baby.
Scout was difficult from the beginning. He scaled the puppy gate, ate Christmas bulbs like candy, and bloodied his paws trying to claw his way out of his kennel. But he was ours and we loved him.
We had Scout for 9 years, during which we welcomed a new home and two new babies. He played with the kids and delighted in daily runs with Jason. Even though he was annoying at times and added a lot of “stink” to our lives, he was a beautiful and loving dog. When he started having seizures and eventually passed away 2 summers ago, Jason and I realized how tied he was to virtually all of our early marriage and new parent memories.
Once we got over the loss, however, we quickly began enjoying the freedom of not having a dog in the house. If we were gone for 15 hours straight, who cares? There were no doggy considerations or repercussions. Frankly, it was great. Continue reading Hot Diggity Dog, It’s Time For Some New Year’s Resolutions
OK last minute ladies, after today, you only have two days left on the calendar to buy the perfect Christmas gift for the men in your lives. Don’t worry though, M&M is here for you just in the Saint Nick of time. Think of me as your very own procrastination destroying Elf on the Shelf.
For those of you deliberate last-minute shoppers who already know what you’re buying but for some reason get a rush out of braving the mall madness the last few days before Christmas, this post is not for you. In fact, I feel you on the last-minute shopping bidness. While I merely dabble in it personally, I do enjoy myself some serious people watching each year at the mall come December 23rd and 24th. It’s like the State Fair, only they don’t charge admission. The only thing that would make it better would be if I could chow down on a corn dog, a funnel cake, and maybe some fresh squeezed lemonade while watching the freak show that is last-minute shopping madness. And though that’s not the point of this post, a guy can dream can’t he?
So it’s December 22nd and you’re at a loss for what to buy that special dude. Maybe he’s your boyfriend, maybe your husband or brother, or maybe he’s your dad. Don’t worry, I’ve been all four at one point or another in my life and I’ve got you covered on all fronts. However, if you’re looking for a specific list of concrete suggestions, this post might not help you. If, on the other hand, you’re looking for general advice to get your own gift-giving juices flowing, then read on my deadline defying friend.
Editor’s Note – Because this is a holiday week, our Relationships post has been written by our Sense and Centsibility author, Jenn Wallis. It’s a Christmas parenting story. About Santa.
For years, we went to great lengths to make sure my oldest son Kyle kept believing that Santa is real. After he would go to sleep on Christmas Eve, my husband Justin would get out one of his Doc Marten’s boots from the 90’s (that he still wears – but that’s fodder for another blog) and imprint the sole into the fireplace ash and on the hearth, as proof that Santa had come down the chimney. Justin would even go out into the driveway and make a few muddy reindeer hoof prints. We’d take bites out of the cookies and pour out a little of the milk to look like Santa had sipped it (it had been sitting out for hours, after all).
Last week, I wrote a post beginning my answer to a common question I receive in my academic or therapeutic role. That question is, “What book would you recommend for couples experiencing (enter any category) issue?” or, “I’m going to buy a good book for (x) couple, what do you recommend?” I decided to break the answer down into the top five “couples issues” areas I hear about most frequently, and first begin by addressing the “core three.” I named these as: parenting, financial struggles, and sex/intimacy. In my first post, I covered book recommendations and some discussion over parenting and finances. Today I’m going to talk about sex and intimacy issues, and then move into topic number four: developing yourselves as individuals within a marriage or relationship.
Sex or Intimacy Issues
To begin, let me just say that couples all seem to have their own strength areas within their relationship. I’ve spent a good amount of time with some couples who excel at sex and/or intimacy together, but have multiple challenges in other areas. However, I’ve seen just the opposite as well. Some couples I know are excellent at parenting as a team, managing their finances as a team, and seem to otherwise (at least from those on the outside) have a strong and capable relationship. But when it comes to intimacy (sharing vulnerabilities and deep-felt support) or sex, some of the seemingly greatest “power couples” run into problems. A lot of problems.
Many of these intimacy and sex related problems have to do with trust, or strong patterns developed from their own families of origin. I’ll cover these problems in the last entry. Some challenges, however, are simply a matter of thinking, learning, growing or communicating, becoming comfortable with each other and asking for (and meeting) needs. And many are simply the result of leading overscheduled lives in a stressful environment.
Continue reading I Don’t Recommend Books…But If I DID (Part 2)
I spent eight years of my professional life on staff at the Oklahoma Christian Schools (OCS) High School and administrative offices. A good part of my energy went into building a drama department from scratch, but part of that time was also spent as the lead Freshman sponsor and the Freshman Bible Teacher.
The Bible Department, from an outside view, represented quite a diversity of theological perspectives: I was raised in an independent Christian church context, our Sophomore Bible teacher (David Thomas) was more of the charismatic persuasion having attended ORU for his education, our Junior Bible Teacher (Dan Anthony) was a Church of Christ cowboy, and our Senior Bible Teacher and Department Head (Ted Hough) had his master’s degrees both in Literature and in Divinity. Sometimes it seemed to me that Ted’s perspective was to teach the Word of God with the finesse of only that which a liberal arts major could do. His devotions were pure art.
But today I want to talk about David Thomas, our Sophomore Bible teacher. David went to meet his Maker on the evening of December 4th, 2010 after a decade-long battle with a brain tumor. I loved his spirit and his heart and am dedicating this post to he and his family. I’m going to write only briefly about his personality, his preaching and his prayer. However, I promise you – volumes could be written…along the lines of how John honored Jesus when he said,
25 Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.
Continue reading I Will Miss You, Pastor David Thomas – That’s Certain
When it comes to gifts, my husband has it pretty easy. Even though I have received a few pieces of beautiful jewelry over the years, I don’t require these expensive gestures like some women do. I got an upgraded wedding ring on our ten year anniversary. It gets stuck in the fingers of my work gloves and it’s kind of annoying. I prefer a card and/or some quality time. I already know that every day comes with its own gifts, and it’s up to me to “untie the ribbons” (~Ruth Ann Schabacke). Man, is this guy lucky, or what?
We had only lived in the country for three weeks when our seven-year wedding anniversary weekend began. In our typical style, we decided to forgo “gifts” (we were starting plans to build an entire house, after all), and we opted to go out to eat. There were three restaurants from which to choose…
Continue reading Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch: Running Through the Ribbons
Friends, colleagues and sometimes people I don’t even know very well ask me this same question several times each year, AND I provide them with a baffled face and stammering answer every single time: “Hey, what book do you recommend for __(enter any couples issue)__ ? I’m thinking about buying a few books today.” OR …“I have a friend who is looking for a book.” OR,… “I want to recommend a book, can you help me?”
I struggle with two main issues when asked this question. First, I have no idea what the person or couple has already read. And secondly, people apply books and personal growth in such unique ways that sometimes what I think is a great read or extremely applicable might fall flat with another person. Or sometimes that flips and what I think isn’t necessarily sound or grounded information is the “key” to helping someone get out of a rut.
Therefore, understanding that you may have already read some (or all) of these books, and, that you may not get out of them what I or some of my clients have gotten, I’ve put together a list of the top five challenges I see couples face on a regular basis and books that might help in direct or indirect ways. However, I’ve also provided a bit of discussion to go along with the books so I’ll be breaking this post into two or three parts. Here we go…
To begin, I want to address the core “top three” basic challenges most couples will experience at some time in their life: opposing views on parenting, financial struggles, and sex/intimacy. In that order: