OK last minute ladies, after today, you only have two days left on the calendar to buy the perfect Christmas gift for the men in your lives. Don’t worry though, M&M is here for you just in the Saint Nick of time. Think of me as your very own procrastination destroying Elf on the Shelf.

For those of you deliberate last-minute shoppers who already know what you’re buying but for some reason get a rush out of braving the mall madness the last few days before Christmas, this post is not for you. In fact, I feel you on the last-minute shopping bidness. While I merely dabble in it personally, I do enjoy myself some serious people watching each year at the mall come December 23rd and 24th. It’s like the State Fair, only they don’t charge admission. The only thing that would make it better would be if I could chow down on a corn dog, a funnel cake, and maybe some fresh squeezed lemonade while watching the freak show that is last-minute shopping madness. And though that’s not the point of this post, a guy can dream can’t he?

So it’s December 22nd and you’re at a loss for what to buy that special dude. Maybe he’s your boyfriend, maybe your husband or brother, or maybe he’s your dad. Don’t worry, I’ve been all four at one point or another in my life and I’ve got you covered on all fronts. However, if you’re looking for a specific list of concrete suggestions, this post might not help you. If, on the other hand, you’re looking for general advice to get your own gift-giving juices flowing, then read on my deadline defying friend.

Brother

Nothing says, “Merry Christmas Brojangles!” to the man who came from the same womb as you quite like gift cards. I know what you’re thinking, “Gift Cards? He can’t be serious? That’s not very thoughtful at all! I can do way better than that!” Well I am serious. Thanks for the vote of confidence. Seriously though, dudes love gift cards. There’s just something special about treating yourself to something that someone else paid for.

Is your brother single? Throw down some scratch on a restaurant gift card and help a brother out… dating is expensive! Is he married with kids? TARGET!!! With the same gift card, he can buy cool vintage tees, electronics, and diapers. Coffee drinker? You can never go wrong with some Starbucks lovin’. Maybe your broseph is an outdoorsman. If so, may I suggest, Bass Pro gift cards? Did you know that he can purchase his 2011 hunting and fishing licenses with a gift card at Bass Pro? I do not lie. Is he an audiophile? How about iTunes or a 1 year paid subscription to Pandora One? The options are limitless here. The key is finding a place to purchase the gift card from that fits with who your brother is and/or what he likes to spend money on.

Gift cards tend to get a bad rap because they smack of unthoughtfulness, but here’s the deal… if you put some thought into WHERE you acquire the gift card from, there’s nothing unthoughtful about them at all. So instead of trying to figure out the perfect gift, all you have to do is figure out the perfect place where you know your bro would enjoy spending someone else’s hard earned money.

Boyfriend

OK ladies, admittedly, it’s been a few years since I rocked my boyfriend hat. But I’ve got a fairly decent memory and if said memory serves me correctly, boyfriends are simple creatures who enjoy: A) time with you; B) time with their homeboys; and, C) pretty much any thing else their girlfriends buy them.

If you decide to go the A or B route, you can get him tickets to a sporting event or concert. If you want to spend the time with him, just tell him the tickets are for the two of you. If you want to be super cool and show him just how confident his lady really is, tell him the tickets are for a night out with the boys. This one is a double whammy because not only have you given him tickets to something he’ll enjoy anyway, but you’ve also given him permission to hang with the boys for a night which his friends will also appreciate. And trust me, if you get in good with a dude’s amigos, you’re in good shape. But even if you decide you want to join him in using the tickets, that’s just as flippin’ awesome because the only thing hotter than a confident lady is a lady who wants to spend time with her man doing an activity he enjoys.

For option C, this really isn’t rocket science. It’s all in what you write in the card. No matter what you buy him, just make sure you let him know that you find him twice as sexy when he is wearing or using whatever it is and you can bet that he will love it. Here’s the only caveat… it cannot be anything emasculating: no murses, no leather pants (unless he owns a Harley), no necklaces, nothing with flowers on it, and nothing you and your girlfriends would ooh and ahh over his use of.

Dad

This one is the easiest. Dad’s are suckers for spending time with their little girls. Get him a mug, a t-shirt, or a picture of the two of you in a frame that says, “World’s Best Dad” and a gift card to a steakhouse. Then throw in a note that simply says,

Dear Dad,

You’re the best! Let’s go have dinner together some time soon!

Your little girl,

{Insert whatever special nickname your dad has for your here}

That’s it! It really is that easy. No matter how old you are, you’re always daddy’s little girl and he wants nothing else more than to spend time with you and know that you still love him. And yes, please believe me when I say that he really will treasure anything you give him that bestows upon him the title of, “World’s Best Dad.” Mom’s aren’t the only ones who need a little validation from time to time.

Husband
First of all, anything from the list above applies to husbands. That said, let’s move on to a few other things your husband might enjoy this holiday season.

If your husband is not really into material things, you could write him a letter letting him know everything you appreciate about him. I am dead serious on this one. You’re not the only one who enjoys a word of affirmation every now and then. Let him know you appreciate the man he his, how he interacts with your children, what he does for a living, how he treats you, and anything else about him that you love or find admirable/sexy. Be specific too! Trust me on this one… do this and watch if you don’ catch him reading it over and over again the next year.

Anything edible is always good too. Most men don’t need more stuff… this is especially evident to your husband around the holidays when he has to drag out all of the Christmas decorations. If you give him something he can eat, you not only speak to his stomach, but you also speak to his desire to not have to deal with any more stuff after the holiday’s are over. No need for me to get too specific here on the particular types of food; you know what your man likes to eat.

Is your husband a college football fan? Why not give him the gift of a Bowl Game Watch Party? Throw together a basket of his favorite football watching sweets, treats, and salty eats and print up some invitations that he can send to his friends inviting them to come over and join him for the big game. Then on game day, the apex of this gift is you putting on your hostess hat (you know the one I’m talking about… the one you typically reserve for dinner parties where other ladies you like to one-up will be in attendance) to make the watch party a special world class football watching extravaganza for hubby and company. And guess what, you’ll make all the other wives jealous too. Husbands talk. True story.

Socks and underwear. I don’t know what it is about socks and underwear, but I almost religiously refuse to buy them for myself. If I didn’t get them for Christmas and birthdays, I’d be sockless and commando for the rest of my life. There’s just something magical about throwing on a new pair of socks after getting out of the shower on Christmas morning. Maybe this one’s just me. I don’t know.

Well I went ahead and saved the best one for last. Wives, at the risk of getting out of my typical PG-13 rating, feel free to buy lingerie for yourself as a gift for your husband for Christmas or any other time of the year for that matter. It doesn’t matter how many wrinkles or stretch marks or pounds you think you’ve added to your body since the two of you got married, I can almost guarantee that if everything else is good in your marriage, opening a box with his name on it from you that contains something lacy is going to be a hit with your husband. Throw in a naughty but nice note, and you’ve got yourself a Christmas home run. I don’t even need to expound on this. Trust me on this one, your man still thinks you look good in lingerie.

Well, that’s it. You may not be any closer to deciding what to buy, but don’t worry, dudes aren’t a whole lot different than you. We’re really not all that into WHAT you get us. It really is the thought that counts. In fact, the right card with the right message in it makes any Christmas gift perfect for just about every man in your life. The hard part is knowing what to communicate.

I realize this is already a rather lengthy post, but I must add a few things you should not buy for the men in your lives this year at Christmas. No matter how last-minute your shopping may be, the following items are rarely appreciated:

Grilling accessories. I am guilty of buying my dad these multiple times. For most men, grilling is about simplicity. Nothing complicates something that is supposed to be simple quite like adding accessories. Just don’t do it.

Old Navy fleeces. These weren’t cool back in 1997 (though I admit I loved mine) and they aren’t cool today. Don’t do this to your husband. Even if he likes it, there’s nothing manly about a fleece. Want to get him outerwear, how about a flannel lumberjack shirt?

Anything remotely resembling a purse. Seriously. Just don’t. OK?

Any hair products containing minoxodil. This is the equivalent of him buying you fitness videos or a gym membership. Not cool ladies, not cool.

Roadside emergency kits. While I can’t deny the utility of such a kit, it’s just not a good gift. If you want your man to have one of these, just go buy one and put it in the trunk of his car. Don’t get him one for Christmas.

Anything a department store has put into a little red box and packaged as a gift for men. There is never a time in any man’s life when he wants or needs a miniature pool table and there’s nothing cool about getting a kit with 27 different kinds of nail clippers in it. Dilliard’s and JC Penney are especially guilty of peddling this crapola. Avoid this stuff like the gift-giving plague that it is.

Other than those few exceptions, pretty much everything else you might buy the men in your lives is cream cheese. That’s the beauty of buying for men… we’re easy. Don’t over complicate things. Focus on the thought behind your gift and don’t worry about form or function and everything will be OK. If it comes from a woman we love, we’re going to like it. Plain and simple.

There you go ladies. Not a great list, but hey, it’s December 22nd and you’re still looking for gifts for your favorite dudes. Beggars can’t be choosers.

See you at Penn Square Mall on Friday afternoon. I’ll be the guy eating a funnel cake.

[michael]

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