The answer, my friends, is unadulterated magic.

Before I share the rest of my article, I have to warn you that reading beyond this point may actually kill perfectly good brain cells. Proceed at your own risk.

The day I realized Kirk Cameron had a life as someone other than Mike Seaver was the day I became a pop culture addict. I’m not so sure addiction is the right word to use, as I categorize my uncanny ability to remember obscure details about television shows, movies, and celebrities as a talent. I can tell you the plot of the show JAG, although I’ve never watched it. I know Lady Gaga’s real name. I’ve seen pictures of Fergie when she was just a little tyke on “Kids Incorporated.”

For whatever reason, my senses are attuned to all things pop culture. Perhaps one day I’ll find myself being held at gunpoint by a mad man who says he will abandon his plans to blow up a building if someone can tell him the name of Balki Bartokomous’s love interest on “Perfect Strangers.” You will all thank me when I disarm him with the confident shout of “MARY ANNE!”

Even more than TV, I love celebrities and pseudo-celebrities who rose to fame via reality TV. While my head knows these individuals do, in fact, put their pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us common folk, there’s a part of me that believes said pants were sewn by unicorns and laced with pixie dust. I guess everyone has a guilty pleasure and this is mine. I realize the lives of many celebrities are difficult and often empty so I’m careful not to aspire to their lives, but I am fascinated by their world in the same way I’m fascinated by true crime stories. These are lives and situations I cannot fathom.

So, what’s more fascinating than putting these individuals under a microscope by reading their 140-character thoughts? I had a Twitter account for a long time and never used it. I favored Facebook as my social media fix and thought using Twitter was duplicative. Boy was I wrong. I learned that I can follow all kinds of famous people and learn in seconds what it would take People magazine a whole article to reveal. I’ve learned that some celebrities are extremely witty, while some are basically illiterate and/or inexcusably boring. I’ve also delighted in the fact that, if you tweet them, sometimes they tweet you back! Instead of autographed head shots or other memorabilia, my legacy to my children will include the documentation of witty repartee between me and some long-forgotten celebrities.

I also love the dirt I get from Twitter. For example, when I watched the dramatic reunion show of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” I simultaneously followed the cast members’ live tweets. It was awesome! After every accusatory comment someone made on the screen, within seconds I could expect a “backstory” tweet about why the comment was or was not true. My husband thought the whole thing was ridiculous, but I pointed out that this was my version of tracking the scores of multiple sports games on the computer, while playing Fantasy Football on his phone, and watching an actual game on TV.

Now that I’ve sold you on the value of wasting your precious free time on Twitter, I thought I’d share with you some of the celebrities I follow and what I think is interesting about them.

I’ve never watched “The Colbert Report,” but I follow Stephen Colbert. He makes me laugh with funnies like “The recession is over and people are celebrating in the streets! Oh, I’m sorry, those are unemployment lines.” I also follow funny men and women like Kathy Griffin, Seth Meyers, Jimmy Fallon, Jay Mohr, and Michael Ian Black. Michael Ian Black makes me laugh so hard because he regularly reposts the idiotic and often cruel tweets people send him. His responses are so clever and funny that I’m almost positive the original senders do not know he is making fun of them to the rest of the world.

As for pure entertainment from people who aren’t trying to be funny, I recommend Diddy, P Diddy, Puff Daddy, Puffy, whatever you prefer to call him. He refers to himself as KING and uses your, you’re, whose, who’s, too and to incorrectly 100% of the time. Snoop Dogg’s tweets are typically filled with unintelligible hilarity. I follow all three Kardashian sisters (kourtneykardash, KimKardashian, KhloeKardashian), but I might as well only follow one as they all tweet the same thing at the same times of the day. Perhaps their “momager” has them on a Twitter schedule. Paris Hilton tells us hello, good night, wishes on 11:11 a.m. and 11:11 p.m. every day, and sends hugs and kisses from all over the world. Finally, both Cher and Ellen Barkin are unapologetically frank about their views on everything from politics to other celebrities they don’t like. Cher balances this by using lots of emoticons. A caution: in following these two I learned that Twitter does not ban expletives!

In the “not celebrities but still famous category” I enjoy any of the Housewives (Caroline Manzo, Jacqueline Laurita, Teresa Giudice, Melissa Gorga, Taylor Armstrong, Danielle Staub, Kyle Richards, and Andy Cohen), Most Eligible Dallas cast (Matt Nordgren, and Courtney Kerr) and regulars from Chelsea Lately (Sarah Colonna, and Heather McDonald).

Lest you think I’m completely shallow, I also follow reputable news outlets and other individuals who add much more substance to my world. In fact, I just finished reading about a lawsuit to block a natural gas pipeline in Puerto Rico. I’ll blog about that another day (don’t hold your breath)!

What celebs do you follow?

[kendy]

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